Courtship IN Marriage

Posted by Linda Lee on Sunday, 8 February 1998, at 4:01 p.m.

How do you view this? I am the kind of person that really likes romance (are there many women that don't?). I like flowers, candy, and plenty of well-chosen, affirming words. Excluding the flowers and candy, I like a dose of "lovey words" every day. That is so hard for my husband. I have tried to just accept him for his "love language" which is definately not verbal.

So, what do you think? I don't want to be discontent and am trying to deal with this, AGAIN. I know that I need to give this to the Lord and my satisfaction with life lies with HIM.


Liking the Gifts I get

Posted by BWSmith on Sunday, 8 February 1998, at 8:10 p.m., in response to Courtship IN Marriage, posted by Linda Lee on Sunday, 8 February 1998, at 4:01 p.m.

Hiya Linda Lee-

I bet you probably know this . . . but--
Sometimes, we need to put aside what we want from our husbands and consciously bless God for the gifts and delights of who are husbands are, because God knew from the foundation of the world what we needed in a spouse.

I am learning that as I make my requests known to God, He gives me what I need -- and it is always BETTER that what I thought I had to have. And it is better than what Hallmark cares to send, too!

I am learning also to PRACTICE gratitude, and that
changes my perspective.

A lacey, lovely valentine IS nice; so are little trinkety type gifts. (Or cars, furs and jewels for that matter. But I digress.)In 25 years of marriage (when we were both 10;-))my husband's shoulder and friendship have been longer-lasting.
ALso I am learning to try and give him what he wants, too, and not what I want to give him. DOes that make sense?

Now go put your arms around the man God gave you and give him a big HUG -- and tell God you are HAPPY with the man He chose for you, and please keep making YOU into a woman who delights her husband.


Re: Liking the Gifts I get

Posted by Tamara Eaton on Sunday, 8 February 1998, at 9:17 p.m., in response to Liking the Gifts I get, posted by BWSmith on Sunday, 8 February 1998, at 8:10 p.m.

In the early years of our marriage, I used to think it would be neat to receive a really romantic gift like jewelry that HE picked out just for me. But over the years I've come to appreciate how romantic certain "ordinary" things can be-- like bringing me a cup of coffee or demonstrating that he's thinking of me by picking up my favorite "Healthy Choice" frozen dinner at the grocery store when everyone else wants hot dogs. (grin)

Or even more importantly, how he was there for me, day and night, around the clock, during the weeks I was in the hospital one summer. He cared for me when I couldn't care for myself--he was constantly positive, never once neglecting to encourage me and keep me focused on the Lord's faithfulness to take care of me and never once losing his patience or sense of humor or showing weariness. Yes, those things mean A LOT more to me! I also appreciate having a husband who is also my best friend! We make the most of the "ordinary" days and enjoy life together so much.

One time he did buy a special necklace for me, then about twenty years later it was lost on its way to be repaired....I'll admit, I was a little sad...but then my mom reminded me that at least I still had what was most important--my original husband! (Thank you, Lord!)


Re: Courtship IN Marriage

Posted by Tamara Eaton on Sunday, 8 February 1998, at 10:10 p.m., in response to Courtship IN Marriage, posted by Linda Lee on Sunday, 8 February 1998, at 4:01 p.m.

Hi Linda! Maybe you should make a list of your favorite "lovey-dovey" words and ask your husband if he could get used to using them with you on a regular basis? (big grin) Or use them with him and maybe he'll get used to hearing them and maybe repeat them back every now and then? (wink)

Isn't it *interesting* to see how the Lord has created women and men to be so different at times in the way they express their love and devotion in the romance department? He obviously had a plan! Our needs aren't always exactly the same, especially in the areas of intimacy--men maybe desire physical first, then emotional follows, while women tend more toward emotional first then physical follows.... but often our needs get met AFTER we meet their needs first. At least the important ones...and if we give it all up to the Lord.

I'm not sure how many children you have or their ages, but one thing I've noticed is that it gets easier to keep the romance alive when parents are not so exhausted by caring for little ones. Sometimes back in the days of a house full of tots and nursing baby, I had to work to make the transition from "mama" to "wife"--with practice, it became easier. Regular bedtimes for little ones and teaching older children a respect for parents' need for privacy really helps, too.

These days we have teens and "built-in" babysitters for our younger two and it's easier for us to go out together, but for years we had a weekly "date night" when we would put the children to bed and then enjoy some quiet time alone together just at home with a candlelight dinner, etc. We still do that often --and let the older ones know we need some time alone without phone calls, etc.

And "middle-aged" married couples have an opportunity to devote more time to "dating" again--each other, of course, instead of getting involved in mid-life crisis. (grin)

But perhaps I'm what you'd like out of your husband realistic? Would it mean a personality change on his part? (grin) Or did he used to be more "romantic" before you were married? And can you "romance" him in the same way you'd like to be romanced yourself?


To all who replied to my post...

Posted by Linda Lee on Monday, 9 February 1998, at 9:04 a.m., in response to Re: Courtship IN Marriage, posted by Tamara Eaton on Sunday, 8 February 1998, at 10:10 p.m.

Hi! My husband was really never the lovey-dovey type, but more like the silent, jock-type. He does love to talk when it comes to things that interest him (politics, sports, religion) and he is a very good at discussing controversial subjects. Those are some of the things I admired (and still do) in him...his leadership qualities. Yes, I guess sometimes I do hope his personality would change...just a little bit. I sometimes wonder if I read too many romances as a teenager. :-)

Thanks for all your encouragement and input on this. It is refreshing to hear these things again. Maybe since it is the middle of winter and I'm looking for a little excitement...this issue has come to mind again.

By the way, since I have brought up the subject with my dh again (in as gentle a way as possible), he has responded with the words I needed to hear instead of getting defensive. He really does try to meet my needs. It's just not a habit for him to do it in a gushy way and I have to accept the fact that it may never be.

Thank you for reminding me to appreciate him for who he is and do focus on meeting his needs.


Re: Courtship IN Marriage

Posted by Kate Megill on Monday, 9 February 1998, at 9:36 a.m., in response to Re: Courtship IN Marriage, posted by Tamara Eaton on Sunday, 8 February 1998, at 10:10 p.m.

Dear Tamara,

We too have dated for years. (I mean we have had date nights!) When we were first married with a 6 month old and were too poor to afford a babysitter, we asked several of the single people in our church if they would be willing to sit for us in exchange for a homecooked supper or supply of cookies (the college students jumped at the chance!). We had 4 who sat for us on a rotating basis once a month.

I found that I needed to get out of the house, it was too easy for me to look and see the laundry that needed to be done or other work "calling" to me! Also, if the children started crying we weren't interrupted in our time to focus on one another. We never did anything expensive...going to Burger King for a $.69 free re-fill drink to share, or going for a long walk in the nice weather. We always took a bible and notebook just in case we had to cover some "business" or things I've had on the back burner for awhile. Sometimes we didn't use them but it was nice to know I could if I needed to.

Since we have had "real" jobs we hire a babysitter but of course that takes up all our money so we still do the cheap dates. It has become a major priority in our lives (my husband NEVER lets anything interfer with our scheduled date except illness) and we feel this has been so instrumental in our growing together as a couple.

Whether you are able to stay at home or go away for a date time, real romance is sparked by swimming in your love for one another and continuing to learn about one another and what God is doing with each one of you and what He is doing in BOTH of you.

Growing up I never remember my dad telling my mom that he loved her (she says he told her 3 times in the 48 years they have been married). But he made her lunches everyday for her to take to work and he cut the crusts off her bread! Although they weren't believers, God has blessed their marriage in many ways. It has been enough over the years for my mother because she has learned to read the wonderful things he does for her as his "language of love".

In His Joy and Grace,
Kate Megill