Am I ready for February?

Posted by BWSmith on Saturday, 31 January 1998, at 11:14 a.m.

Hi Melissa --

Happy Saturday. Do you know I am child-less this weekend? Both kids away. WEIRD feeling -- I mean to be ALONE with my husband -- well, he's working and we are about to go clean the basement. Romantic, huh?

We are going to bring some organization into our life, because CLUTTER makes me crazy! I mean we have kept three years worth of "junque" that others might have a better use for.

One unpleasant symptom of impending depression that I am slowly beginning to recognize is the gnawing feeling that I am not getting what I deserve -- respect, praise, money, time, food, help . . . I guess "MY way" is a useful catch-all phrase.

That vague feeling becomes a burning sentiment -- anger or frustration, or bitterness. And then I act or speak. Nothing edifying has EVER come out of my mouth at those times.

Usually, I KNOW immediately I blew it, but getting me to confess and repent isn't always so easy. So, I experience GUILT, usually without remorse. Then the blackness billows in, suffocating me.

I have been a Christian for almost twenty years, and the concept of DOING God's will and not mine always has so many fresh new dimensions. If HE had shown me exactly what my heart looked like when I surrendered to Him, the shock of its grotesqueness would surely have killed me.

I am learning that being covered by the Blood, doesn't mean a free pass to keep the old me under wraps. SHE'S GOT TO GO! Yet I hold on and hold on, out of the firm conviction, that if I let go of her, who will I be? I will be more like Jesus. HIS lovely character will be evident -- INCREASING.

So now, when my nose starts to twitch because someone really has -- or I IMAGINE -- that someone has crossed me and denied me my "entitlements" God has finally gotten through to my dense brain and thick heart to show me I have a choice.

Walking step by step with ANOTHER sister or a child who is in the very real depths of depression is, however, a delicate business. I am not, nor can I ever try to play the Holy Spirit -- I've done and said many unkind and unfair things while laboring under the delusion I could "fix" their problem -- and that's why I ALSO learning about prayer.

To pray that God will be SO real that the ones I love who are unable to step out of the darkness into the Light of Christ will be able to by HIS power and not my persuasion. But good grief, it is
a test to know WHEN to speak and when to keep silent.

If anything you, Melissa, or I have said about depression and its COMMON affliction within the Body of Christ, strikes a chord in the dear downcast heart of one reading our "CHAT", I pray that she will lift her eyes to her heavenly Father who knows all about her anguish and delights to comfort her.

On to the basement. Hope I surface in acouple of hours a more organized older woman.

BWSmith