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Home » CHFWeb Forum » TitusTwo » Looking for resources for dealing with attitude problems
Looking for resources for dealing with attitude problems [message #819010] Mon, 05 December 2016 10:18 Go to next message
praise2christ  is currently offline praise2christ
Messages: 2166
Registered: August 2009
Location: Northern KY
Senior Member
Can anyone point me to books or other resources for dealing with my 11yo DD's attitude problem? I need help!


Stacy, mom to 12-year-old boy/girl twins and a three-year-old boy.

"Every man's life is a fairy tale written by God's finger." Hans Christian Andersen
Re: Looking for resources for dealing with attitude problems [message #819016 is a reply to message #819010 ] Mon, 05 December 2016 22:09 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
Messages: 14917
Registered: April 2005
Location: Georgia
Senior Member

I'm sorry I don't have time for a good response just now, but I wanted to encourage you that she's probably perfectly normal, and if you work with her, she will come through it just fine. That "knowing look" that a mom of a wonderful, godly 16yo gave me when I mentioned my 11yo's attitude was so encouraging!!

I'll try to come back tomorrow with more resources and information.


Blessings,
Lisa R.
Re: Looking for resources for dealing with attitude problems [message #819019 is a reply to message #819016 ] Mon, 05 December 2016 22:44 Go to previous messageGo to next message
praise2christ  is currently offline praise2christ
Messages: 2166
Registered: August 2009
Location: Northern KY
Senior Member
Lisa R. wrote on Mon, 05 December 2016 22:09

I'm sorry I don't have time for a good response just now, but I wanted to encourage you that she's probably perfectly normal, and if you work with her, she will come through it just fine. That "knowing look" that a mom of a wonderful, godly 16yo gave me when I mentioned my 11yo's attitude was so encouraging!!

I'll try to come back tomorrow with more resources and information.

Thanks, Lisa. Sadly, I do know that attitude comes with the territory of a pre-teen. Confused But, I also know that I need help dealing with it - both the behavior and the heart-issues behind it.

Today was just one of those days when I thought that having both a 3yo boy and an 11yo girl at the same time was just going to kill me!


Stacy, mom to 12-year-old boy/girl twins and a three-year-old boy.

"Every man's life is a fairy tale written by God's finger." Hans Christian Andersen
Re: Looking for resources for dealing with attitude problems [message #819033 is a reply to message #819010 ] Wed, 07 December 2016 08:11 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Jamie
Messages: 4138
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member
It's probably been a decade (?) since I've read it, but I hear How to Raise a Strong Willed Child recommended a lot.

Unfortunately, it's been too long since reading for me to recommend or say what was my impression.


Peace
Re: Looking for resources for dealing with attitude problems [message #819036 is a reply to message #819010 ] Wed, 07 December 2016 08:50 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tracy in Peru  is currently offline Tracy in Peru
Messages: 7972
Registered: April 2005
Location: Trujillo, Peru
Senior Member
I can't think of any books specifically. I recall other threads where we talked about your dd and teaching her to take care of herself as the hormones do their thing.

Pre-teen was harder than teen for my girls. Just try to help her through this bumpy part. Set up good parameters for rest, eating right, quiet time, exercise and talk about "Plan B" for when things are too much and she needs to give herself a time out before she turns nasty or gets too overwhelmed. Learning our limits and self-care are great skills.

I just had to have a "time out" myself yesterday afternoon. It didn't solve anything, but I had more energy to deal with things the rest of the day because of my self-care.

Somedays we get a lot done, some days not so much.


In Him--Tracy
Re: Looking for resources for dealing with attitude problems [message #819037 is a reply to message #819010 ] Wed, 07 December 2016 11:23 Go to previous message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
Messages: 14917
Registered: April 2005
Location: Georgia
Senior Member

I've been thinking, and really, I didn't use books much. I had a few real-life mentors and lots of prayer.

I think the biggest thing is to find the balance between demanding obedience and a respectful attitude while allowing her the freedom to become her own person.

In our family we've taught our kids that certain words and phrases, as well as things like eye-rolling and sighing scream "disrespect" to us and those are things they do well to avoid. We try not to engage in argument. I think it was Leigh who shared that she just looked at her daughter and repeated, "I think you heard what I said" when delayed disobedience or arguing was an issue.

We are learning again that personalities are different. My dh and I tend to make terse statements and expect instant obedience, but sometimes the kids need more quiet or to be spoken to gently. We explained that, "How 'bout you go clean the kitchen now?" is not really a question that allows for, "Because I'm busy doing other things," but is actually an instruction to which the proper response is generally, "yes, ma'am." It avoids us sternly saying, "Get in there this minute and clean that kitchen!" but if they don't respond well, then we will go with Drill Sergeant Mode.

11 is a time for mom and dad to let go a little, but with freedom comes responsibility. Respect is a two-way street. Kids need time to themselves. If we fill their days and don't give them down time to process, they get overwhelmed. And if we allow them to spend all day in their rooms they tend to be moody and withdrawn. There's balance, again.

There are so many things where we really have to say "no" or where boundaries cannot be loosened, that it is important to say "yes" whenever it is reasonable to do so. Criticize sparingly. Try to keep lines of communication open. As open as our family is, we've found lots of misunderstandings as my adult kids say "You always taught us...." when we taught them (or rather *intended* to teach them) no such thing! Be open to letting them talk.

It's not an easy thing, and it's a day to day learning experience. Navigate on your knees!!

Praying for you.


Blessings,
Lisa R.
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