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Home » CHFWeb Forum » TitusTwo » Gossping .... I'm trying to figure this out and as I've
Gossping .... I'm trying to figure this out and as I've [message #817348] Mon, 27 June 2016 08:51 Go to next message
ReneeL.inMN
Messages: 4774
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member
been accused of being judgmental, I don't want to judge and I don't think I do in this scenario.

Where do you draw the line on gossip vs. talking something through?

A situation is laying heavily on my heart regarding my dearest friend of 26 years - where does one give information to help 'draw the picture' for advice with out it becoming gossip?

God knows .. HE does .. So, since that is the case, I don't feel right giving information and yet, if someone else came here and typed my situation in a matter of fact way, it would not strike me as gossip. I would read it as a matter of learning the picture but not as malicious gossip.

Is it not gossip if it's a strict sense of giving MY feelings without casting or hoping to cast blame? Or is any negative talk about someone else gossip? I'm leaning toward God is simply using these last 4+ years to teach me things ....


ReneeL.inMN
25yos, 23yos, 13 yod I guess I am old enough for adult children.

My stomach hurts, but I still choose joy! :-)

Re: Gossping .... I'm trying to figure this out and as I've [message #817352 is a reply to message #817348 ] Mon, 27 June 2016 09:15 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Rosemary-MI  is currently offline Rosemary-MI
Messages: 1313
Registered: April 2005
Location: Lower mid Michigan
Senior Member
If I don't know who you are talking about and it's a scenario of something it's not gossip. Gossip is idle talk (foolish or irrelevant) or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others.

If it's just general info on a situation and you are seeking advice then that's all it is. If it's not foolish or irrelevant or rumors and you are seeking help for you in how to deal with a situation then I see no problem with it.

When my mother was sick I talked to a LOT of people on how to deal with people who were causing a ton of problems. I told people they were my brothers because that is a whole different dynamic on how you respond. I didn't complain to people just asked what I could do about things and how to handle it properly.

~Rosemary



I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Re: Gossping .... I'm trying to figure this out and as I've [message #817354 is a reply to message #817348 ] Mon, 27 June 2016 09:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Jen E.  is currently offline Jen E.
Messages: 4522
Registered: April 2005
Location: Northeast
Senior Member
It's a hard line to draw, isn't it? I think it's safe to share a situation w/o revealing who the person is... and even in this, I'm very careful to only talk w/ trusted people who won't repeat my confidence. (It's a small world, and I'd never want to compromise someone's reputation.) And when the listener/hearer does know the person, well... maybe just the kind and objective stating of facts, as long as the motive is love, humility, and hope for growth/personal sanctification (never to "vent")? (And again, only to a trusted one or two?) Also, in the second case, I'd only speak w/ someone who 1. was spiritually mature and a prayer warrior, 2. could be trusted to keep my confidence, and 3. could be trusted to correct me.

[Updated on: Mon, 27 June 2016 09:29]

Re: Gossping .... I'm trying to figure this out and as I've [message #817366 is a reply to message #817348 ] Mon, 27 June 2016 19:35 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
Messages: 14917
Registered: April 2005
Location: Georgia
Senior Member

I don't know where the line is. I believe that there is a time and place for seeking counsel, and that wise counsel is hard to give without knowing something about the situation.

"I'm having trouble with my friend. What should I do?" doesn't give a basis for offering advice. You'd give far different advice for speaking with friend who is cheating on her husband than one who is cheating on her taxes. You'd give different advice on how to handle a friend who chews with her mouth open than one who is embezzling from the organization of which she's the treasurer.

Sometimes, you have to share a bit to get good advice.

I have to say that I probably overshare. It's something I have to remind myself to pay attention to. I just deleted some details from my recent prayer request post, just in case someone happened upon it. But generally, IMHO, if you need actual advice on how you should respond to a situation, it's okay to share enough matter-of-fact details to get decent advice. I don't think it's okay to speak ill of the person.

I think there's a heart component, too. If you're actually sharing because you want advice on how to respond in a godly manner, you will share differently than if you're just venting. But that balances with considering whether harm could come to a person from what you're sharing.

Sometimes when asking for advice online I make up a story with similar components that are likely to elicit the same advice, or am vague.

So...not any clear advice, but something to think about, perhaps. And all my own opinion.


Blessings,
Lisa R.
Re: Gossping .... I'm trying to figure this out and as I've [message #817367 is a reply to message #817348 ] Mon, 27 June 2016 19:36 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Jamie
Messages: 4138
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member
Oh, gosh - I've thought of this so many times. I've come here to discuss things and seek prayers/guidance/perspectives on things about my family members that I didn't feel I could do anywhere else ... including my church at the time ... because, while I needed help, I knew there were those who did gossip, would accuse me of gossip, and those who, without knowing the deep dynamics would not be able to advise wisely. It wasn't personality clashes or difference of opinions, there were some heavy duty things going on. Too, I had hoped to preserve some ground on which we could heal and with doing as little damage as possible to anyone's reputation. It is difficult to unhear and unknow something about someone - and I didn't want the worst of my daughter/son to be overriding when we, I had hoped, overcome. Likewise, I didn't want to be known only or primarily as the worst of what I brought to the table (or it's exaggerated and lied versions about myself). This was particularly difficult when keeping silent/vague appeared to damage us. We walked away very damaged/injured and it felt awful because there was a part of me that came to wanting to give play by play to prove the injustice/inaccuracies.

Even here, I didn't know where that line needed to be.

Where I draw the line between needing to talk through something and gossip, is, in speaking, am I or what I'm saying inherently malicious, am I or what I'm saying betraying a trust, or am I or what I'm saying sensational for my own (or the hearer's) entertainment/pride. (the last one is difficult to still identify the line when in venting pain or even anger...)

Having said that, I often think people also have difficulty between a righteous/correct judgement and being judgemental.


Peace
Re: Gossping .... I'm trying to figure this out and as I've [message #817369 is a reply to message #817348 ] Mon, 27 June 2016 21:15 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Sherry in NH  is currently offline Sherry in NH
Messages: 9593
Registered: April 2005
Location: Small Town New Hampshire
Senior Member
Two things have helped me....gossip splits friends....and gossip may be talking to someone who is not part of the problem, nor part of the solution. There is something about motive buried in there, I think.

[Updated on: Mon, 27 June 2016 21:16]


In Jesus

Sherry from NH
Re: Gossping .... I'm trying to figure this out and as I've [message #817373 is a reply to message #817348 ] Tue, 28 June 2016 07:42 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
Messages: 14917
Registered: April 2005
Location: Georgia
Senior Member

Another thought...sometimes it has to do with specifics.

I learned this from my oldest when she was 7. I had a very dear friend, and the two of us had 'stairstep' kids... her oldest was a year younger than my oldest, etc. We had no Titus Two woman, and had to be our own advisors.

We used to go for walks and many times our conversations were "what would you do about this?" sorts of parenting things. I would say, "well, the other day, Anna was refusing to clean her room, and when I told her to do it, she said [whatever], and I ended up spanking her, and she did [whatever]..." Just went through the whole scenario. All the kids were with us, and we thought they weren't listening.

But Anna came to me one evening and said, "It really bothers me when you tell Miss Betsy about the things that I've done. I don't appreciate you talking about me that way. It's embarrassing."

Wow. Embarassed Totally called out by a 7yo!

At any rate, I explained to her that sometimes I needed insight or help with parenting her, and that's why I did it, but I did apologize and I stopped giving specific details. My questions became more, "What do you do when you've done all the appropriate things and a child still refuses to obey?" (Eventually, I had enough kids that they could be pretty anonymous! Wink)

So...I took that and applied to more situations. I can't tell what your question actually refers to, but if you are struggling with a friend and can't sort our what to do, I think it is reasonable to seek counsel. A professional counselor is bound by confidentiality laws. But if you have a close friend in whom you can confide, preferably who doesn't know of the situation about which you need counsel, I think it is reasonable to ask some general questions to "draw the big picture" and get some general direction. Usually, that can be done without actual gossip. I think if the conversation is focused on how you respond in a godly manner, rather than on just telling the friend's bad behavior, you also come out better. JMHO.


Blessings,
Lisa R.
Re: Gossping .... I'm trying to figure this out and as I've [message #817378 is a reply to message #817348 ] Tue, 28 June 2016 14:11 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Leigh  is currently offline Leigh
Messages: 4572
Registered: April 2005
Location: Tennessee
Senior Member
Have you talked to the friend? My understanding of the Mt 18 process is that the first person to talk to is the person actually involved.

Having been the victim of some malicious gossip through the years, I'm not in favor of talking about other people in general.


Leigh
Tennessee

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety."

~~Benjamin Franklin

Re: Gossping .... I'm trying to figure this out and as I've [message #817421 is a reply to message #817348 ] Mon, 04 July 2016 09:10 Go to previous messageGo to next message
ReneeL.inMN
Messages: 4774
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member
Thank you, dear ones, for your thoughts and replies. Sorry for posting and running last week.

I've been able to read and re-read your comments. So much wisdom here! Thank you.

I think I'm going to err on the side of not talking right now. I will continue as Leigh suggested.

I do think this issue has the power to end our friendship. My heart hurts but I will fiercely protect my marriage and daughter.

Thank you.


ReneeL.inMN
25yos, 23yos, 13 yod I guess I am old enough for adult children.

My stomach hurts, but I still choose joy! :-)

Re: Gossping .... I'm trying to figure this out and as I've [message #817427 is a reply to message #817421 ] Mon, 04 July 2016 12:12 Go to previous message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
Messages: 14917
Registered: April 2005
Location: Georgia
Senior Member

Sounds wise. Praying for you.


Blessings,
Lisa R.
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