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Home » CHFWeb Forum » TitusTwo » Need wisdom/advice
Need wisdom/advice [message #814274] Fri, 16 October 2015 11:57 Go to next message
Rosemary-MI  is currently offline Rosemary-MI
Messages: 1313
Registered: April 2005
Location: Lower mid Michigan
Senior Member
Hope this isn't to rambly. My MIL is ill with dementia and other just getting old problems. She was recently put in the hospital. They (the family) wanted a family member to sit with her at all times because she cannot remember to push the nurse button and wait for a nurse. They called me yesterday wanting me to sit with her from 5-7. I declined.

The background with this is-I was sent an e-mail a while back (6 months maybe) saying all the decisions about my MIL's care were to be made by her kids and not in-laws. She has a 60+ year old son living at her house. The house is an asset that some want sold and used to pay for her care others don't. So the e-mail was in reference to the house situation and her care home choice. They want each child to donate $100 a month to pay for her care home when her savings run out. They are split on that and there are 10 kids! One reason for the indecision is the son has his own house he bought 20 some years ago and has let it fall down because he still lives with his mom. (he's a construction worker) Laughing Several of them feel like they are paying for him to live there free. It's a huge mess and none of them will talk about it-at all.

Another SIL and I took the e-mail as "butt out". We feel that they do not want our input at all. So we feel this covers everything- like sitting at hospital with her.

I get a call at 4:15 that they need me to go up to the hospital at 5:00. Confused

One SIL is mad because she feels I should be up there helping and I try to say you guys said to butt out and now you want help. Sad I helped their uncle clean out his house because he was in the same care home and is selling his house. The 8 room house had 15 truck loads of donations and a huge dumpster of garbage and it was my son and I doing all the work, it took us 6 weeks! I did it because he had no kids and the rest wouldn't do anything because they said they were too busy and Uncle H is annoying. My SIL was mad because I helped him and said "why would you help Uncle H and not help with mom?"

I don't know what to say to these people.

I don't feel like jumping on another crazy train. My family was horrible when my mom was ill and I see these guys starting to do the same thing.

So how do I keep myself out of this mess? Need some wisdom with this.

~Rosemary


I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Re: Need wisdom/advice [message #814278 is a reply to message #814274 ] Fri, 16 October 2015 12:53 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tracy in Peru  is currently offline Tracy in Peru
Messages: 7972
Registered: April 2005
Location: Trujillo, Peru
Senior Member
We are going through this....il-laws just died within six months of each other. FIL had a long decline; mil was fast and unexpected. Estate is being settled, but not easily.

"Do the right thing" has been our mantra through all the crazy, and there has been a lot of it.

I would do as much as possible to help mil directly, which would include time sitting with her. The rest, defer to whatever your husband thinks and follow his lead and support him.

My in-laws had detailed wills and their business affairs all ready, and still there have been HUGE issues. Grief has a way of making people act out of the norm and everyone needs to have grace with one another. Even if you aren't extended grace, give it as much as possible.

I'm so sorry. It is terribly hard and feeling that you "don't count" in a family that you have been part of for many years is heartbreaking on top of the "end of life/passing" grief you already have.


In Him--Tracy
Re: Need wisdom/advice [message #814282 is a reply to message #814274 ] Fri, 16 October 2015 14:50 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
Messages: 14917
Registered: April 2005
Location: Georgia
Senior Member

Where is your husband in all this? It's his mother, right? Does he want you to sit with her? Do you (or did you before the dementia) have a relationship with her? You say "they" as if your dh is not included in any of these decisions. Are they excluding him, too, or just you as an in-law?

I would say to pray with your dh and figure out how and where you fit into all this.

For my own life and relationships, I would tend toward doing the personal things like sitting with her if that is needed (I would take an audio book and my knitting...), but I would absolutely stay out of any squabbles about care or money. I can't imagine letting my own MIL stay alone in the hospital because her children were being brats. *I* like her and would want to serve her that way at the end of her life, without letting the "politics" interfere. It's not *her* fault everyone is on the crazy train. In a different scenario, or with a different MIL, perhaps I would not. If I couldn't do the simple personal things without being drawn in, I probably would continue to opt out.

If your dh wants to contribute the $100/month, then contribute. If not, or you can't afford it, then don't. Our family dynamics tend to be that we work together as much as we can, and if we can't, we opt out.


Blessings,
Lisa R.
Re: Need wisdom/advice [message #814286 is a reply to message #814274 ] Fri, 16 October 2015 17:11 Go to previous messageGo to next message
denise d
Messages: 6330
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member
I think that you are in a real Catch-22 with these people, Rosemary. You know that. Based on what you've described, I would be very inclined to set boundaries that kept me away from them.


I would discuss this with my husband, and I would do exactly as he says. I hope that he is willing to defend you, if they attack you personally (which they are), or at least be supportive.

And I agree that kindness to your MIL is a whole different issue than dealing with the ungrateful/demanding family members.

But really -

WATER OFF A DUCK'S BACK is my motto for you regarding everything they say or do.


Lightning strike, gotta go. Praying for you.

[Updated on: Sat, 17 October 2015 10:24]


God is Love.
Re: Need wisdom/advice [message #814297 is a reply to message #814274 ] Sat, 17 October 2015 05:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Jamie
Messages: 4138
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member
Rosemary, I'm going to preface this by saying that I've watched two families this year handle the difficulties of having a lone-parent with their health seriously declined (one passed on) and having to maintain the house (for different reasons). One family, whose mother was placed in a facility, is also dealing with that parent not accepting what is coming and not understanding decisions that need to be made to provide the care. Another, the parent laid out everything that they wanted and passed away. It was thought the surviving siblings (who do not get along) were going to have huge issues, but the wishes of the parent are making this a pretty smooth bitter-free process. One of the siblings already has a son (one of three adult kids) who is causing issues about what becomes of what property when his own parents time come (which is no time soon at all) and not learning from the example of her mother, she's going to leave behind a mess for her children to deal with.

It's difficult when the role of decision maker is taken from our hands completely, input seemingly not wanted, and the actual decisions don't line up with what we would deem most prudent. Some of what you have presented makes complete sense to me, some I can see both sides of just from watching the two families of which I am familiar.

However, I'm seeing a disconnect in your unhappiness with the siblings/ILs and with the care of this woman. Putting aside if this was a schedule or a last minute request, your MIL isn't one of the children involved in making these decisions or framing the care in such a way as to make you feel unwanted/unvalued. She's a woman with dementia who can use kindness where ever and from where ever it comes and is in need of someone just to sit by her bedside. To me, this is a humane thing to do and should not be withheld because of what is happening with the finances or the lifestyle choices of the other children involved.

If you were asked last minute and can't fit it in, or if you need more flexibility or whatever, I would feed that back to them and let them know what you can do. I see sitting by her bedside to offer her protection, company and honor as something different and separate from whether or not you should be donating money to the upkeep of a home.


Peace
Re: Need wisdom/advice [message #814304 is a reply to message #814274 ] Sat, 17 October 2015 12:15 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Rosemary-MI  is currently offline Rosemary-MI
Messages: 1313
Registered: April 2005
Location: Lower mid Michigan
Senior Member
Well I stopped in to visit her yesterday and she was alone trying to get out of bed. I called the nurse and had her wait for her. I sat with her until a child of hers showed up, 2 hrs later.

She is back at the home as they released her last night.

My dh is the youngest of 11 children and they all think of him as a little kid. Half the time we don't know what's going on with her because they don't communicate with us.

We are just going to take it day by day. Plus we told them we are not helping with the house at all.

~Rosemary


I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Re: Need wisdom/advice [message #814306 is a reply to message #814304 ] Sat, 17 October 2015 17:29 Go to previous message
Jamie
Messages: 4138
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member
Rosemary-MI wrote on Sat, 17 October 2015 12:15

Well I stopped in to visit her yesterday and she was alone trying to get out of bed. I called the nurse and had her wait for her. I sat with her until a child of hers showed up, 2 hrs later.

She is back at the home as they released her last night.

My dh is the youngest of 11 children and they all think of him as a little kid. Half the time we don't know what's going on with her because they don't communicate with us.

We are just going to take it day by day. Plus we told them we are not helping with the house at all.

~Rosemary

I'm so glad you arrived just in time. As an older child to a very small family, I can apologize for always thinking of the baby of the family as the baby of the family rather than an adult. It's quite a leap, sometimes, even if it shouldn't be. I am also glad you've informed them about the house and will pray that there will be no backlash for you or your husband on that matter.


Peace
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