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Home » CHFWeb Libraries » Titus Two Library » feeling sad, how to avoid bitterness
feeling sad, how to avoid bitterness [message #188359] Fri, 24 November 2006 23:48 Go to next message
naturalmom  is currently offline naturalmom
Messages: 3
Registered: November 2006
Location: Midwest
Junior Member
This is the second time today I've tried to post. I know I am new to this board, but I have been a Titus 2 wife and mom - until the last year. I have found myself really struggling in so many ways. Some of it is rejection - my dh has a hobby that takes nearly all his free time, and leaves none for the children and me. He seldom eats a meal with us.

I feel a bit overwhelmed with the house (in spite of working on it all week, it's awful right now - not filthy, but horribly cluttered and messy) and school (can't seem to get full school days going, and we're just scraping through on the minimum that we need), and trying to keep going generally. I am frustrated with myself because I used to be able to keep up with all of it, and had patience with my children, felt I was keeping a model homelife that dh could find refuge in from the world...only then we weren't the refuge anymore. It's been that way for over 4 years, but it's the last year that I've really lost heart. I have really tried, and dh has said it's him, not us. We have had some disappointments with ministry that cut us both very deep, but I think it was all harder for him.

Up until a year ago, I seemed able to hold things together. But then I became depressed, had some health problems, and was even more discouraged that when I couldn't handle things, he didn't step in.

I went the route of complaining about his hobby, and asking him to at least make it to mealtimes, but it just makes him angry and me bitter. I have looked at the person I've become, and I don't like it. I think I felt that there should be some results from the years I "did well"...and when I didn't see any, it's like I gave up.

I feel so hurt, like something inside me has died, and I don't know how to get things right. I feel so far from the Lord, and perhaps disappointed in Him, too - though mostly I feel I am disappointing to him. My children, getting older, are seeing my weaknesses. I lose patience with them and can be so harsh with my words sometimes.

I recently resolved to begin again, and have found myself able to be cheerful for dh again, and trying to be an encouragement to him, but when I'm alone I just feel lost really. I would appreciate prayers, and if you have a particular verse that you think applies, please share.

[Updated on: Fri, 24 November 2006 23:48]

You are not alone [message #188363 is a reply to message #188359 ] Sat, 25 November 2006 00:27 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Irene V  is currently offline Irene V
Messages: 435
Registered: April 2005
Location: Beautiful B.C.
Senior Member
(((hugs)))

Oh sweetie- I can relate to some of the things you've shared. Life that has been so sweet seems to take a corner in the road and not only can I not see around the bend to joy in the future, I can't seem to look back and remember the good of the past. It's like being in a valley , surrounded by mountains.

The thing that helps me is realizing that if this is a valley that I am in, there is a way to go that will eventually be 'up' from where I am now. But getting there is never a quick and easy trip. Tears and pain seem to accompany the way out of the valley more often than not.

I was reading recently again about God's sovereignty, and how much it can be a comfort to us. He does know what is going on in your life right now. More than that, for some reason He is allowing you to be in this situation. This is one of the areas that our human minds just can NOT fathom- how being in such a place could possibly be where God wants us. Yet- here we are.

For me, this is the turning point. I KNOW that God loves me. If this is where he wants me to be, I will accept it, and trust his will. Romans 8 and Romans 11 contain especially powerful statements about this.

On a practical note, if you have been physically down for some time, you are going to need to take baby steps to 'pull it together', in terms of homemaking etc. You are NOT needing to be a perfect Mom/Wife/Homemaker. You need to do what can be done right now, and move from there. Life has seasons!

You say that your children are getting older- they need to be on your team in terms of home chores, even school tasks. At some point they need to be able to be independent, it's always a good time to start learning those skills. You can ask in the Homeschool and Homemaking sections for specific ideas to help you make chores easier, and have basic school tasks done even without your supervision.

Physically- you need to take care of your self as well. Take the time in the word. Pray, journal, take a short nap! Eat well. It does make a difference.

I'm glad you posted. You are not alone- and you are covered with prayers.


Irene V
Re: feeling sad, how to avoid bitterness [message #188364 is a reply to message #188359 ] Sat, 25 November 2006 00:28 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Kate Megill  is currently offline Kate Megill
Messages: 6501
Registered: April 2005
Location: NW rural Illinois
Senior Member

Sweetie, I am so sorry for your struggles. I wish I could give you a great big hug and a cup of tea and sit and pray with you. But I CAN pray FOR you! "Father, I ask that you uphold our sister in Your hands; give her strength to continue walking in faithfulness before you, regardless of her outward circumstances. Lord I ask that, as she seeks to recommit her walk to You, that you heal wounds made between her and her children when she may have spoken or reacted harshly and that you will build deep unity of spirit and purpose among them. And I pray that you will renew her vision and spirit in Your purpose for her life in this trial."

I have a few verses for you:

2 Thessalonians 3:13
But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary of doing good.

Isaiah 40:31
Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.

1 Peter 3:1-2
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.

Hebrews 12:3-5
For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin; and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, "MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD, NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM..."

Honey, I can also give you some practical things that might help in housework and schooling, but that can be another thread.


In His Joy and Grace,

Kate

Re: feeling sad, how to avoid bitterness [message #188373 is a reply to message #188359 ] Sat, 25 November 2006 05:43 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Jen E.  is currently offline Jen E.
Messages: 4522
Registered: April 2005
Location: Northeast
Senior Member
Oh, sister.... huge hugs to you, dear one.

I love Irene and Kate's responses.

When we are depressed, and especially when things are not right with our dh's, life is just so much harder to live. Everything takes so much more energy -- sometimes more energy than we seem to have. Now is the time to live with what you KNOW. And you KNOW that God is faithful; He is right; He is almighty; He is awesome; He is merciful; He is always with you, even when you can't feel it. He will never leave you. He loves you. He loves you! And here's something that we can know, even though it may be disappointing: we can't change our dh's -- only God can. Boy, I wish I'd learned that 25 years ago! We really can not change our men. So all we can do is hold on tightly to the One who can, and do what is within our realm of control.

Are you spending time in the Word every day? Even if you don't feel like it? During hard times in my life, I've lived in the Psalms. Start every day this way, and maybe take small breaks in the Word -- put an extra Bible in the bathroom, write Scriptures and put them inside your cupboards and by the sink and by the washer and dryer.

Are you taking care of yourself physically, sister? Are you sleeping enough? Eating healthfully? Getting outside every day, even if it's just for 5 minutes?

When housework has overwhelmed us, we can do little things to get our homes back in order. And once it's in order, we will feel better. If my house is cluttered, my mind feels cluttered. If it's clean, I feel clean. Enlist the help of your dc -- if they haven't been trained to help yet, this is a great time to start. But be careful not to expect too much. Give everyone a job, put on some worship and praise music, set the timer for 15 minutes, and get to work. You'll be encouraged when you see how much can be accomplished in even 15 minutes of everyone pitching in together! Tell everyone they have a 30 minute break (set the timer again), then do it for another 15 minutes. Then do something special -- go out for a walk together, or watch a video together (you, too, Mom!), or eat popsicles together, or go to a park together. If you do this for a week, you'll see a difference. Maybe during the second week, you can add another 15-minute increment after lunch, and another one before or after dinner.

What refreshes you, sister? What lifts your spirit? Worship music? Christian fiction? Bubble baths? Walks in the woods? A cup of coffee with a friend? Make time for these things now! Meet a friend at the park, and bring your coffee -- let the dc play as you fellowship.

Your sweet dh is hiding in his hobby, and he is being robbed of precious time with his dc.... but you cannot change him or fix it. Only God can. The only thing we can really do is to get out of the way so that God can deal with him. But what you CAN do is to take care of your dc's mom and your dh's wife. You can tell your dc you're so sorry for sinning and offending them (they will learn so much from this), and you can start new! The Lord's lovingkindness is new every morning! His mercies never fail! It's easy to walk with the Lord when everything is going well... but it's during these dry and dusty times, during these hard and painful times, that the Lord builds something in us He can use to reach others and build His kingdom. Hold on tight, sister. Come here often for hugs.

A big hug,

Jenni

Re: feeling sad, how to avoid bitterness [message #188391 is a reply to message #188359 ] Sat, 25 November 2006 09:40 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Penny_@35ThousandFeet  is currently offline Penny_@35ThousandFeet
Messages: 849
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member

Ditto what all these ladies said.
I was feeling down in the dumps a few weeks ago. I decided that it was the clutter in my house, the collection of junk throughout the years that was overwhelming me and so I took just a half hour and one area of the house (even a five feet radius in the basement!) and started to dejunk and declutter. I was so surprised at what I could get done in that half an hour. By the end of the week I had a pile for Goodwill/the Homeless shelter, and the rubbish man. Dh even got into the groove and threw out some of his own tech. magazines and books/catalogs and I didn't even have to ask him! I started feeling really good and I even prayed to the Lord for his forgiveness for allowing this clutter to even collect. I then went to bed that night and thanked the Lord for five good things...and then the list went on and I started waking up with a happier heart.
I can't add to what these ladies said because it is all very good and sound advice, but I do know that a cheerful heart is very infectious and once I got going it lifted everyone elses spirits. Get into the scripture and thank the Lord for your blessings and that this the heart housekeeping that gets rid of the debris that frees the spirit to feel more joyfull. My favorite verse (or one of my favorite verses) is Be of Good Cheer I have over come the world! ( I don't know where it is, sort of, I flunked Sunday and Vacation bible school but I got the verses down)

Penny
Re: feeling sad, how to avoid bitterness [message #188406 is a reply to message #188359 ] Sat, 25 November 2006 10:37 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa in Tx  is currently offline Lisa in Tx
Messages: 22
Registered: April 2005
Location: Texas
Junior Member
I won't add to whats already been said but just wanted you to know I'm praying for you!


Wife to John for 16yrs and proud mom to Chase 15, Brittany 13, Courtney 11, Cheyenne 3, and a new little guy due april 25.
Re: feeling sad, how to avoid bitterness [message #188484 is a reply to message #188359 ] Sat, 25 November 2006 13:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Sherry in NH  is currently offline Sherry in NH
Messages: 9592
Registered: April 2005
Location: Small Town New Hampshire
Senior Member
Naturalmom -- I am praying for you.

As a child in a complicated family who turned out fine, I forbid you to give up <big hug>...

Does your dh have any friends that he talks to or could talk to?

Elisabeth Elliott says: Just do the next thing...and then do the next thing.

Which doesn't make it any easier, but miraculous things can happen.

I know that some people would disagree with me on the boad, but have you confronted him 'as a brother', if you and he are Christians? Is there someone who would go with you to him?


In Jesus

Sherry from NH
Re: feeling sad, how to avoid bitterness [message #188617 is a reply to message #188391 ] Sat, 25 November 2006 14:40 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Carrie L  is currently offline Carrie L
Messages: 2093
Registered: May 2005
Location: NH
Senior Member
Penny wrote on Sat, 25 November 2006 09:40

My favorite verse (or one of my favorite verses) is Be of Good Cheer I have over come the world! ( I don't know where it is, sort of, I flunked Sunday and Vacation bible school but I got the verses down)

Penny

John 16:33, "These things have I spoken unto you that in me ye might have peace, in the world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."


Carrie

Only three things are necessary to make life happy: the blessing of God, books, and a friend.
Re: feeling sad, how to avoid bitterness [message #188660 is a reply to message #188359 ] Sat, 25 November 2006 15:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Penny_@35ThousandFeet  is currently offline Penny_@35ThousandFeet
Messages: 849
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member

Thank you Carrie!
Re: feeling sad, how to avoid bitterness [message #188690 is a reply to message #188660 ] Sat, 25 November 2006 16:47 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Carrie L  is currently offline Carrie L
Messages: 2093
Registered: May 2005
Location: NH
Senior Member
Your welcome! Smile My dh calls me a walking concordance. That's always been a favorite of mine, too.


Carrie

Only three things are necessary to make life happy: the blessing of God, books, and a friend.
Thank you all so much! [message #188883 is a reply to message #188359 ] Sun, 26 November 2006 10:23 Go to previous messageGo to next message
naturalmom  is currently offline naturalmom
Messages: 3
Registered: November 2006
Location: Midwest
Junior Member
Your responses made me cry all over again - but in a good way. I was so encouraged by your words of wisdom. I really felt my heart lift.

Irene, the image of being a valley was very helpful. It just has seemed like such a HUGE valley. But it helped to realize that if I just continue on, eventually the path will go up again.

I think I have felt weary of doing good, so I am using that verse especially, Kate. I have been working the the verse in Peter for quite some time - and this year the part later on, about being Sarah's children if we don't give in to fear, made sense. When I get fearful that either things will never change, or that I won't be able to make it if they don't change, it makes it almost impossible for me to live out that verse and remain a witness "without a word".
By the way, a couple years ago I used to read a lot on this site, and I remember you, Kate! Just seeing your name in the reply list made me cry because I remembered the wise, Biblical responses you always gave. You don't know me, and I don't know you, and yet it felt like words from an old friend if that makes sense.

Jenni - I am going through your post several times, because there's just so much for me to glean from it. It's true that everything takes a lot more energy, and I just haven't had it. But asking what refreshes me - well, that got me crying too, because I haven't even thought about that. And I needed the reminder that we can't change our husbands. I need to re-read Elisabeth Eliot's book, Let Me Be a Woman. Several points from it, like the fact that we married a sinner (but so did he!), and the tendency of women to try to change their husbands, and how consistently unsuccessful they are - yet how much is torn down in the process.

Penny - thanks for that verse! It shifts the view from just struggling through to actually overcoming! I think you are right about cheerfulness being contagious (and of course the same thing is true of grumpiness!). That is something I have been convicted of lately, of the atmosphere and tone that I set.

Lisa and Sherry - thank you for your prayers. Last month we visited some overseas friends, and it was the first time I shared any of this with anyone. That was what gave me my fresh start, actually. But some days are just harder than others.


Thank you all so very much! God bless you!
Re: Thank you all so much! [message #188991 is a reply to message #188883 ] Sun, 26 November 2006 18:59 Go to previous message
Sherry in NH  is currently offline Sherry in NH
Messages: 9592
Registered: April 2005
Location: Small Town New Hampshire
Senior Member
naturalmom -- oh, good, I'm glad you were able to share with someone. I don't know if you've been lurking for all the discussions we've had about 'hobbies' that take over spouses' lives, over the past year or so. I asked a question at one point about a friend's dh who is addicted to a computer game that she calls 'death ball'.

Here are some threads to read through for resources and maybe ideas:

http://chfweb.net/index.php?S=083565d9cf891336669686ff831d07 1a&SQ=7eb5a883d31cb980967aa58ddfc0a429&t=search& srch=computer+addiction&btn_submit=Search&field=all& amp; amp;forum_limiter=&search_logic=AND&sort_order=DESC& amp; amp;author=

We'll keep praying!

[Updated on: Sun, 26 November 2006 19:00]


In Jesus

Sherry from NH
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