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Home » CHFWeb Forum » HotTopics » Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do?
Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do? [message #817228] Thu, 16 June 2016 15:26 Go to next message
K in nc  is currently offline K in nc
Messages: 3157
Registered: January 2006
Senior Member

I read an interesting article from a mom who was just a bout fed up with all the blaming and shaming that goes on after a tragic event dealing with a child. Like the gorilla incident or the alligator incident.

The blogger mentioned back when Adam Walsh was kidnapped or when baby Jessica fell down the well. And the outpouring of love and prayers and support for those parents, where today there is an almost immediate onslaught of blame and shame and "perfect" parent advice thrown around.

I have an irl friend who swears it is so much worse than it used to be, and I am inclined to agree.

Is it worse? Or do we just have more outlets to express it now?

Thoughts?

[Updated on: Fri, 17 June 2016 00:09]


Wife to the most wonderful man in the world for 27 years! Mom to the three most wonderful kids in the world! (well most of the time)
Re: Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do? [message #817230 is a reply to message #817228 ] Thu, 16 June 2016 15:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Cammie  is currently offline Cammie
Messages: 1861
Registered: April 2005
Location: Tennessee
Senior Member
Worse and more public outlets.

I know I was a paranoid mother and it shows in my kids (they now are both slightly anxious) but accidents do happen. Sometimes they are just accidents and other times they are because of neglect, but either way I think people need love and support not to be blasted.

Also before when we were kids everyone looked out and corrected misbehavior, where as now people are scared to correct or point out possible hazards to other people. When I was a kid if a neighbor saw us doing something we were not suppose to do or acting in a dangerous manner they called our parents or corrected us.

I see neighbor kids (very young) playing in the street, it makes me crazy, but like others I am hesitant to say much.


Cammie
Re: Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do? [message #817231 is a reply to message #817228 ] Thu, 16 June 2016 16:16 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Leigh  is currently offline Leigh
Messages: 4572
Registered: April 2005
Location: Tennessee
Senior Member
Unfortunately, I'm in travel and tourism. Honestly, it is more the rule than the exception that parents do not read signs and that they cannot be pried off their cell phones. In the time it takes to snap one photo and post to social media, disaster can strike.

Besides the hidden danger of life, I'm afraid parents are sacrificing a lot of their parental relationships by viewing their kids through the lens of a camera. People in general miss out on a lot of experiences because they want to take pictures of everything. I work in the most beautiful of places, and I see people who only have pictures and no memories because they wasted so much time getting the phone or camera working and whatever.

Just because the child is cute and social media is there doesn't mean there should be a photo and a post to FB. The proof in good parenting is not how cute people think your photos are, but in how well your children love and respect you.

I have no idea what the Disney parents were doing, but they should not have ignored signage saying no swimming (swimming and wading are the same to a 2yo). We just spent a week with our grandchildren. The youngest is 2. We went to Sagamore Hill. After the tour, we walked down to Oyster Bay. The signs clearly said no wading or collecting, so we explained to the children they should leave their shoes on. We enjoyed looking at the beauty of the place together. We took one picture and went back to the museum.

It's not as if Disney resorts never have swimming pools. With lifeguards. And probably fun kiddie pools.

Stuff happens. I'm so sorry for what the child went through before he died. I am sadder than I can express. I just know that doing things at home is much different than doing things on vacation, and signs are there for a reason.

I do not think Disney is liable for the loss of the child. In general, society has become much more litigious, and it is easier to try to assign blame. With so many more media outlets, it is easy to hit reply or comment and just post something nasty. I don't think people should do that.

[Updated on: Thu, 16 June 2016 16:21]


Leigh
Tennessee

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety."

~~Benjamin Franklin

Re: Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do? [message #817233 is a reply to message #817228 ] Thu, 16 June 2016 17:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tracy in Peru is currently online Tracy in Peru
Messages: 7973
Registered: April 2005
Location: Trujillo, Peru
Senior Member
I think there are just more outlets for giving your opinion--that is the main culprit.

Plus, there is the whole disjointed viewpoint--comparing the best of my world to your worst moment in life. Or what *I* am more likely to do--comparing your perfect pictures online to me holding on by my fingertips behind the scenes of my family photos.


In Him--Tracy
Re: Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do? [message #817234 is a reply to message #817228 ] Thu, 16 June 2016 20:42 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Jamie
Messages: 4138
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member
[It was Adam Walsh. Adam West was Batman.]

There is so much on this topic that I want to say, that the words are bottlenecking in my brain. I don't know if I'll return (time is an issue on the homefront) but it is disheartening to know that should a tragedy happen to my kids, there would be a public flogging of our family by the sanctimommies of the internet who want to comfort themselves with the idea that their superior parenting could prevent a tragedy, that bad things can ONLY befall an incompetent parent. Same can be said with kids who plain don't turn out "right" or "healthy" or walk the straight and narrow.

Yes, I think that there are some gross missteps in parenting out there, and yes, I think there are some split second things going on or pressures that can overwhelm a parent, and yes, I think some things are distracted parents in public settings, and yes, I think that there are people who are completely put in a world that they are not familiar enough with and get caught in horrible circumstances. There are parents that are stupidly culpable, beyond the excuse of naivety, whose children have died because of lapses of very basic parenting; but, I don't believe the incident with the gorilla or the gator would fall under that category.


Peace
Re: Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do? [message #817236 is a reply to message #817228 ] Fri, 17 June 2016 00:10 Go to previous messageGo to next message
K in nc  is currently offline K in nc
Messages: 3157
Registered: January 2006
Senior Member

Thanks Jamie for the name correction! I knew West wasn't right but could not for the life of me remember the right one. I fixed it in the original post.


Wife to the most wonderful man in the world for 27 years! Mom to the three most wonderful kids in the world! (well most of the time)
Re: Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do? [message #817237 is a reply to message #817228 ] Fri, 17 June 2016 00:19 Go to previous messageGo to next message
praise2christ  is currently offline praise2christ
Messages: 2166
Registered: August 2009
Location: Northern KY
Senior Member
I've been thinking a lot on all of this. I have a very active, very curious 2yo and I can easily imagine how some of these tragedies happen. I feel such sympathy for the parents.

The trend I have noticed with responses to these tragedies is that people believe someone must be to blame. Be it the parents, the property owners (zoo/Disney), or the "bratty" kid (yes, I read that many times after the zoo incident), blame must be placed somewhere. This is also evident in how often people sue whenever someone is hurt or even inconvenienced in our society.

There seems to be a belief that everything in life can be controlled. Nothing can be just an accident, because all misfortune can be avoided if we are just careful enough, plan enough, know enough, etc. So, if something bad happens, obviously someone was lacking in caution/planning/knowledge, etc.

I truly believe this shift in thinking that has occurred over the last few decades is due to the influence of secular humanism. Secular humanism tells us that there is nothing bigger, nothing higher than ourselves. How can people believe that and avoid the pride that comes with it - the belief that they are gods? And, if men are gods, then we are able to control things down to the smallest moment in life and there is no such thing as an accident or an unavoidable tragedy.

I'm not saying that, if you asked people, they would claim to be a god. But, the attitude is the same. The idea that we are in control - that we are in charge of everything that happens to us.

It is a mindset that has pervaded much more than just parenting issues. Health issues is another big one that comes to mind. If we just eat the correct things and move our bodies in the correct way, we can avoid disease and live a very long life. While this is true in some instances (we can avoid some diseases completely and others some of the time), it is not always true. But, that doesn't stop people from jumping on eating fads believing they can avoid cancer or heart disease, etc.

I think the whole thing comes down to control. As Christians, we need to accept that God is in control. But, the world around us does not accept that. The world sees themselves as being the only ones capable of controlling things. That attitude often seeps into the church, as well. It has led to a great amount of anxiety as we try to control ourselves and our children and blame as we try to control others. It also results in anger at those who fail to control their circumstances.

If we do accept that God, and not us, is in control, then we can recognize that sometimes things happen and no one is to blame. We may not understand it, but we can trust that God has a plan and a purpose.


Stacy, mom to 12-year-old boy/girl twins and a three-year-old boy.

"Every man's life is a fairy tale written by God's finger." Hans Christian Andersen
Re: Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do? [message #817239 is a reply to message #817237 ] Fri, 17 June 2016 07:24 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Karen in TN  is currently offline Karen in TN
Messages: 1649
Registered: April 2005
Location: TN
Senior Member
praise2christ wrote on Thu, 16 June 2016 23:19

I've been thinking a lot on all of this. I have a very active, very curious 2yo and I can easily imagine how some of these tragedies happen. I feel such sympathy for the parents.

The trend I have noticed with responses to these tragedies is that people believe someone must be to blame. Be it the parents, the property owners (zoo/Disney), or the "bratty" kid (yes, I read that many times after the zoo incident), blame must be placed somewhere. This is also evident in how often people sue whenever someone is hurt or even inconvenienced in our society.

There seems to be a belief that everything in life can be controlled. Nothing can be just an accident, because all misfortune can be avoided if we are just careful enough, plan enough, know enough, etc. So, if something bad happens, obviously someone was lacking in caution/planning/knowledge, etc.

I truly believe this shift in thinking that has occurred over the last few decades is due to the influence of secular humanism. Secular humanism tells us that there is nothing bigger, nothing higher than ourselves. How can people believe that and avoid the pride that comes with it - the belief that they are gods? And, if men are gods, then we are able to control things down to the smallest moment in life and there is no such thing as an accident or an unavoidable tragedy.

I'm not saying that, if you asked people, they would claim to be a god. But, the attitude is the same. The idea that we are in control - that we are in charge of everything that happens to us.

It is a mindset that has pervaded much more than just parenting issues. Health issues is another big one that comes to mind. If we just eat the correct things and move our bodies in the correct way, we can avoid disease and live a very long life. While this is true in some instances (we can avoid some diseases completely and others some of the time), it is not always true. But, that doesn't stop people from jumping on eating fads believing they can avoid cancer or heart disease, etc.

I think the whole thing comes down to control. As Christians, we need to accept that God is in control. But, the world around us does not accept that. The world sees themselves as being the only ones capable of controlling things. That attitude often seeps into the church, as well. It has led to a great amount of anxiety as we try to control ourselves and our children and blame as we try to control others. It also results in anger at those who fail to control their circumstances.

If we do accept that God, and not us, is in control, then we can recognize that sometimes things happen and no one is to blame. We may not understand it, but we can trust that God has a plan and a purpose.


Excellent and insightful dear sister!


wife of 31 years to Richard, Mom to Matthew (26), Adra 24, Shelby 15, Samuel 13, and Ruby Grace 11. Homeschooling for 19 years.
Re: Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do? [message #817240 is a reply to message #817228 ] Fri, 17 June 2016 07:45 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
Messages: 14917
Registered: April 2005
Location: Georgia
Senior Member

Stacey nailed it, I believe.

And with the litigiousness of our society, it's important to shift blame quickly so you have your ducks in a row in court. I don't know who started what with either of the recent situations, but a wrongful death suit could cost Disney or the zoo a lot of money, so it's best if the "incompetent" parents are to blame, and if the parents are going to win the suit, Disney must be to blame. Gotta get it out there fast.

Also, I had another thought. We seem to be a society that is very much living in a virtual world. Video games, iPads, all the electronic learning toys...parents are working and there's just not much time to get out in the real world. On tv and in your games, you just hit re-set and start over if you die. All the games have many "lives," and you can earn more if you need them. I wonder if that contributes to forgetting that in real life you only have the one life and wild animals are pretty serious business. (that comment is not meant to blame the parents, but I just wondered about it after considering a comment I saw in FB that folks shouldn't come down on them so hard since they are from Nebraska (I think) and probably don't have any experience with alligators).

And I'm not gonna lie--I think I'm a pretty darn good parent, but bad things still happened to me, and I'm grateful for God's protection. I once lost a 4yo at the 4th of July parade, and an 18month old in the mall. Kids are fast and it literally only takes a split second of turning your attention to some legitimate distraction, and they can be gone! Having a kid get away from you *may* imply negligence, or it may just imply that no one is perfect and sometimes things just happen.

Armchair parenting, like armchair quarterbacking, is very easy. But the remarks posted on social media must be devastating to parents who are no worse than any of us, and experienced such a tragedy.


Blessings,
Lisa R.
Re: Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do? [message #817244 is a reply to message #817240 ] Fri, 17 June 2016 10:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
praise2christ  is currently offline praise2christ
Messages: 2166
Registered: August 2009
Location: Northern KY
Senior Member
Lisa R. wrote on Fri, 17 June 2016 07:45


Also, I had another thought. We seem to be a society that is very much living in a virtual world. Video games, iPads, all the electronic learning toys...parents are working and there's just not much time to get out in the real world. On tv and in your games, you just hit re-set and start over if you die. All the games have many "lives," and you can earn more if you need them. I wonder if that contributes to forgetting that in real life you only have the one life and wild animals are pretty serious business. (that comment is not meant to blame the parents, but I just wondered about it after considering a comment I saw in FB that folks shouldn't come down on them so hard since they are from Nebraska (I think) and probably don't have any experience with alligators).



I think that one's experiences could be a huge influence when it comes to wildlife or nature in general. Where I live, we swim in lakes, ponds, rivers, and streams. If I saw a sign that said, "No swimming" I would think it would be because the owners don't want to risk drowning. Wildlife would probably not enter my mind unless I was presented with it (i.e. I saw something or someone warned me). A friend who is originally from Florida posted this on FB:

Quote:

Growing up In FL, I always knew that there was no "safe" water: sharks in the ocean, water moccasins and alligators in fresh water, a combination of the three in brackish water. That never kept us from enjoying the water--we just were always aware of our surroundings. I'd often walk right past gators sunning themselves on campus at UF. In fact, the first time I swam in a northern lake and was told that there no creatures lurking beneath, it was hard to believe. I'm so sad about what happened to that sweet little boy. Praying for his parents, who not only lost their son in a horrific way but also have to deal with all of the awful comments being made on social media.


Around here, all the water is "safe". I would think nothing of wading in it with my kids.

Another friend has a daughter who moved to Alaska and she was telling about how she has really had to learn about bears. After months, she is still learning. A person only visiting would be greatly lacking in safety knowledge and might do something that where they are from is perfectly safe, but could cost their life in Alaska.

I think in the case of the alligator that lack of knowledge could definitely be a huge factor.


Stacy, mom to 12-year-old boy/girl twins and a three-year-old boy.

"Every man's life is a fairy tale written by God's finger." Hans Christian Andersen
Re: Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do? [message #817245 is a reply to message #817228 ] Fri, 17 June 2016 10:31 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Rosemary-MI  is currently offline Rosemary-MI
Messages: 1314
Registered: April 2005
Location: Lower mid Michigan
Senior Member
I think it's easier to get the word out there. So many people have turned into armchair experts it's crazy.

Tragedies can happen in an instant. My nieces little boy drown at a party we had at my parents house. It was an accident but you wouldn't believe what people said to us. Since then we have been super careful with kids because things can happen and a lot of times I don't think people think it would happen to them.

~Rosemary


I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Re: Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do? [message #817248 is a reply to message #817237 ] Fri, 17 June 2016 10:56 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Jamie
Messages: 4138
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member
praise2christ wrote on Fri, 17 June 2016 00:19

I've been thinking a lot on all of this. I have a very active, very curious 2yo and I can easily imagine how some of these tragedies happen. I feel such sympathy for the parents.

The trend I have noticed with responses to these tragedies is that people believe someone must be to blame. Be it the parents, the property owners (zoo/Disney), or the "bratty" kid (yes, I read that many times after the zoo incident), blame must be placed somewhere. This is also evident in how often people sue whenever someone is hurt or even inconvenienced in our society.

There seems to be a belief that everything in life can be controlled. Nothing can be just an accident, because all misfortune can be avoided if we are just careful enough, plan enough, know enough, etc. So, if something bad happens, obviously someone was lacking in caution/planning/knowledge, etc.

I truly believe this shift in thinking that has occurred over the last few decades is due to the influence of secular humanism. Secular humanism tells us that there is nothing bigger, nothing higher than ourselves. How can people believe that and avoid the pride that comes with it - the belief that they are gods? And, if men are gods, then we are able to control things down to the smallest moment in life and there is no such thing as an accident or an unavoidable tragedy.

I'm not saying that, if you asked people, they would claim to be a god. But, the attitude is the same. The idea that we are in control - that we are in charge of everything that happens to us.

It is a mindset that has pervaded much more than just parenting issues. Health issues is another big one that comes to mind. If we just eat the correct things and move our bodies in the correct way, we can avoid disease and live a very long life. While this is true in some instances (we can avoid some diseases completely and others some of the time), it is not always true. But, that doesn't stop people from jumping on eating fads believing they can avoid cancer or heart disease, etc.

I think the whole thing comes down to control. As Christians, we need to accept that God is in control. But, the world around us does not accept that. The world sees themselves as being the only ones capable of controlling things. That attitude often seeps into the church, as well. It has led to a great amount of anxiety as we try to control ourselves and our children and blame as we try to control others. It also results in anger at those who fail to control their circumstances.

If we do accept that God, and not us, is in control, then we can recognize that sometimes things happen and no one is to blame. We may not understand it, but we can trust that God has a plan and a purpose.


ALL of this! Just ALL of it!


Peace
Re: Parent Blaming/Shaming ... is it worse or is it just easier to do? [message #817255 is a reply to message #817228 ] Fri, 17 June 2016 18:24 Go to previous message
janetR  is currently offline janetR
Messages: 1937
Registered: March 2010
Location: TX
Senior Member
I believe it is much worse, and I think my daughter had good insight into this. She says it is motivated a lot by fear. If something terrible happened because the parents were neglectful, and if I am not neglectful, then such a terrible thing won't happen to me.


JanetR
daughter of the King since 1980
wife to dh since 1981
mom to five of the most incredible adults on the planet, one wonderful 18yo, and grandma to two bouncy grandsons
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