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Home » CHFWeb Forum » TitusTwo » Hi and a question
Hi and a question [message #802953] Sat, 26 July 2014 12:00 Go to next message
Char in MO  is currently offline Char in MO
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Location: Ozarks of MO.
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I haven't been here for awhile, but I love coming here for fellowship, friendship and advice. Smile

My 12th grade dd would like to go to a large secular university with her friend in the Fall of 2015. She graduates in May of 2015! Hard to believe Exclamation I would like her to go to College of the Ozarks. You work on campus, and graduate debt free. I've got several friends who attended and their kids as well. It's founded by Presbyterians and is a high quality school, wheras where she wants to go is very secular. They even allow opposite genders to stay over Shocked This isn't the kind of environment I would like for her. She went to a small public High School, and that had its influences on her, but I'm honestly scared for her sake if she goes to a large secular university. Any ideas? She's been getting mail from different colleges this summer and her friend has a big influence on her.

Thanks for any ideas. Most likely she'll get financial aid.

Thank you all for your ideas! Smile

[Updated on: Sun, 27 July 2014 10:28]


Love and prayers,
Char , ( recently widowed) mom to ds (26),dd (22), dd(19),dd (13)
Re: Hi and a question [message #802955 is a reply to message #802953 ] Sat, 26 July 2014 13:23 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
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I've read about the College of the Ozarks,and that sounds like such a lovely place to go!

However, I'm pretty big on kids going to school where they choose. What's right for me or what sounds good to me isn't necessarily what is right or good for my child. SHE will be spending the next 4 years there, not you.

Of course, you are not obligated to pay for her choices.

(Something for you to think about...even the most conservative campuses with the strictest rules have rule-breaking...young couples find ways to spend time together, or drink or take drugs).

No answers, but some things to think about.


Blessings,
Lisa R.
Re: Hi and a question [message #802956 is a reply to message #802953 ] Sat, 26 July 2014 13:24 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tracy in Peru  is currently offline Tracy in Peru
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College of the Ozarks takes people from MO first right? I just know their acceptance rate is really low because the work/study program is so popular.

Unless your dd is funding college 100% herself, you have a big say.

A "Christian" college is no guarantee of anything. My dd is at a big, very secular state school and her spiritual life is thriving.

If your biggest concern is a smaller environment, perhaps there is a compromise.

Do the girls want to room together? Having a friend as you go away to college, is a great way to manage such a big life change. Are you happy with the friendship now?


In Him--Tracy
Re: Hi and a question [message #802958 is a reply to message #802953 ] Sat, 26 July 2014 13:50 Go to previous messageGo to next message
janetR  is currently offline janetR
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Some random thoughts:
We used veto power if they chose somewhere that we would not spend our money, but we did not choose for them where they would go.

Her spiritual condition will determine how she uses the resources at her school. If she is very interested in maintaining her relationship with God, a Christian college will help her do that.






JanetR
daughter of the King since 1980
wife to dh since 1981
mom to five of the most incredible adults on the planet, one wonderful 18yo, and grandma to two bouncy grandsons
Re: Hi and a question [message #802964 is a reply to message #802953 ] Sat, 26 July 2014 16:49 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Elise  is currently offline Elise
Messages: 1954
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Our policy was "you can go to college anywhere you choose (and get accepted), but if you want our financial backing, you have two choices:

Go to a school affiliated with our church, or

Go local and live at home the first two years (we have 3 major universities and several smaller, high quality colleges within easy driving distance). If you do well and prove yourself responsible, we'll help you go somewhere else.

Both chose a school affiliated with our church. Dd is about 2.5 hours away at a very small university (about 450 students), and ds is 13 hours away at a larger school (about 7000 student, including grad students). They both love their schools.`


Blessings,
Elise


Wife to Dan
Retired homeschool mom to Emily and Bryan
Academic Resource Tutor at a local high school - basically Mom-at-the-kitchen-table for about 50 students
Re: Hi and a question [message #802965 is a reply to message #802953 ] Sat, 26 July 2014 17:48 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Bonnie  is currently offline Bonnie
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Pam H's son just graduated from College of the Ozarks, I think. She would be an excellent resource for you. I don't see her here on the board, much, but she is on Facebook,as well.


Bonnie
Re: Hi and a question [message #802970 is a reply to message #802953 ] Sun, 27 July 2014 02:52 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Barbara K (NC)
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Registered: April 2005
Location: North Carolina
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All four of my boys have gone or are going to a secular state university. In each of them, their faith has been refined and strengthened to varying degrees. They're not 4 cookie cutter boys, so I don't want to imply that they've all followed the same journey. Going to a state university is what worked for us financially; we didn't have the luxury of limiting choice to Christian colleges. At the end of the day, God is alive and well in state schools too!

If we had taken the approach that the college choice was OURS to make, one of our boys would have been totally compliant on that. The other three....not at all. I don't think that parents have to fund something they disapprove of, but I think it's a worthwhile exercise to really think through why you don't approve of it. The time for controlling our kids' learning environment is really over by the time we get to the college years.

Many years ago on this site BWSmith wrote a post that has really affected my parenting choices as my kids get older. Her post was a response to a mom who was trying to keep her kids away from anything that seemed like it might be remotely different. Barbara wrote that the greatest evil that our kids will ever encounter is the evil in their own hearts. Great sin isn't "out there"; the greatest sin we will need to grapple with is the sin "inside here." Interestingly enough, Barbara's words have really shaped the level of FEAR that I struggled with as a parent. I was free to not walk in fear of every bad kid or bad influence or bad attitude. I have found Barbara's words to be true over the years.

I've also found that God is trustworthy; He loves our children more than we do.

I give a hearty AMEN to Lisa R's words above.


Barbara K (NC)

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Cor 9:8


Re: Hi and a question [message #802972 is a reply to message #802970 ] Sun, 27 July 2014 06:53 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Elise  is currently offline Elise
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Barbara K (NC) wrote on Sun, 27 July 2014 01:52

Going to a state university is what worked for us financially; we didn't have the luxury of limiting choice to Christian colleges.


Just for people to think about, with academic scholarships and grants, it cost much less for our daughter to go to a private school than if she'd lived at home and gone to the state school nearby. For ds, it costs nearly the same as that option. So, in general, if a private school interests your child (and I mean any private school, not just a Christian school), it's well worth looking in to their financial aid offerings. While the advertised cost may be more, the actual bottom line is often better. They tend to have more private donors than state schools. Just yesterday, we got a notice that ds has been paired up with a private donor giving him $1250 a year towards his costs for the next three years.


Blessings,
Elise


Wife to Dan
Retired homeschool mom to Emily and Bryan
Academic Resource Tutor at a local high school - basically Mom-at-the-kitchen-table for about 50 students
Re: Hi and a question [message #802973 is a reply to message #802972 ] Sun, 27 July 2014 07:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
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Elise wrote on Sun, 27 July 2014 06:53

Barbara K (NC) wrote on Sun, 27 July 2014 01:52

Going to a state university is what worked for us financially; we didn't have the luxury of limiting choice to Christian colleges.


Just for people to think about, with academic scholarships and grants, it cost much less for our daughter to go to a private school than if she'd lived at home and gone to the state school nearby. For ds, it costs nearly the same as that option. So, in general, if a private school interests your child (and I mean any private school, not just a Christian school), it's well worth looking in to their financial aid offerings. While the advertised cost may be more, the actual bottom line is often better. They tend to have more private donors than state schools. Just yesterday, we got a notice that ds has been paired up with a private donor giving him $1250 a year towards his costs for the next three years.



Another FYI on private colleges' scholarship programs...The best scholarships are geared toward incoming freshman for 4 years. We had our kids do a quarter or three at the local tech college where certain credits are transferable to any school in the state. When we were looking at a certain private university, we were warned to keep tech credits below 45 quarter hours/30 semester hours (the equivalent of 1 year) because at that point, they would become ineligible for the major close-to-full-ride scholarship programs and would only qualify for a few scholarships of $1-2K per year. (which was a drop in the tuition bucket).


Blessings,
Lisa R.
Re: Hi and a question [message #802978 is a reply to message #802955 ] Sun, 27 July 2014 10:06 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Char in MO  is currently offline Char in MO
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Thanks for the ideas to consider, Lisa. Kids do find ways to break the rules even in conservative environments. I really don't want her going to a secular university. Exclamation


Love and prayers,
Char , ( recently widowed) mom to ds (26),dd (22), dd(19),dd (13)
Re: Hi and a question [message #802979 is a reply to message #802956 ] Sun, 27 July 2014 10:13 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Char in MO  is currently offline Char in MO
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HI Tracy,

I'm not sure if C of O gives priority to Missouri residents. This
is something to look into.

Dd cannot pay for college so we definitely will need financial aid.

I'm not completely happy with the friendship. Friend isn't a Christian, so I don't know if them rooming together is a good thing. There needs to be some compromise on dd's part. I'd like her to go to a small, Christian college. We also have to think about her test scores. She took the ACT last year, but wasn't all that happy with the result.


Love and prayers,
Char , ( recently widowed) mom to ds (26),dd (22), dd(19),dd (13)
Re: Hi and a question [message #802980 is a reply to message #802958 ] Sun, 27 July 2014 10:16 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Char in MO  is currently offline Char in MO
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Hi Janet,

I'm not for sure if she wants to go to a Christian college. As Lisa said, a Christian/ conservative environment is no guarantee of a good outcome.


Love and prayers,
Char , ( recently widowed) mom to ds (26),dd (22), dd(19),dd (13)
Re: Hi and a question [message #802981 is a reply to message #802964 ] Sun, 27 July 2014 10:19 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Char in MO  is currently offline Char in MO
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Good ideas, Elsie. We live rural but it would still be possible for her to drive 1.5 to Missouri State----West Plains campus, or she and the friend could get an apartment. Lots of kids here live home and then drive over there. The other schools are at least 2 hours so she couldn't live at home.


Love and prayers,
Char , ( recently widowed) mom to ds (26),dd (22), dd(19),dd (13)
Re: Hi and a question [message #802982 is a reply to message #802965 ] Sun, 27 July 2014 10:21 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Char in MO  is currently offline Char in MO
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Yes, I know her son graduated from there. I'll get in touch with her..and thanks for the reminder about Pam. Smile We went on the tour with our other kids, but they didn't want to go there, so they are working now.


Love and prayers,
Char , ( recently widowed) mom to ds (26),dd (22), dd(19),dd (13)
Re: Hi and a question [message #802983 is a reply to message #802970 ] Sun, 27 July 2014 10:27 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Char in MO  is currently offline Char in MO
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Thank you, Barbara. I know a secular setting could help her grow, but it could also cause a downhill spiral especially since she isn't strong in her faith and is easily influenced. I wasn't aware of BW Smith's article, but that is very sound advice. In fact, when I prayed yesterday, I told God I was scared for dd if she went to a secular school. He'll take care of her.


Love and prayers,
Char , ( recently widowed) mom to ds (26),dd (22), dd(19),dd (13)
Re: Hi and a question [message #802985 is a reply to message #802981 ] Sun, 27 July 2014 13:48 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
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Char in MO wrote on Sun, 27 July 2014 10:19

Good ideas, Elsie. We live rural but it would still be possible for her to drive 1.5 to Missouri State----West Plains campus, or she and the friend could get an apartment. Lots of kids here live home and then drive over there. The other schools are at least 2 hours so she couldn't live at home.


3 hours of driving per day is no impossible, but I *strongly* urge you not to consider commuting more than 45 minutes to an hour one way. It might not be as bad if you're not a music major with 8:00 theory classes and performances lasting till 10 or 11 at night, but 45 minutes was exhausting for my kids each day.

That would be 3 hours of study time spent driving. Again, what happened in our family might be irrelevant to yours, but we would draw the line at an hour.

Something else to consider is how motivated she is. You can set some conditions in place regarding financial help. For instance, three of my kids got good scholarships and had good grades, were very motivated, and because we wanted them to launch successfully into adulthood, we helped them so they could get through. Another one chose to pay for all her own schooling herself. Another one is, shall we say, a little less motivated. We chose to require her to pay for her own schooling, which essentially left her to go to a very local school. She chose to skip classes and not work diligently, so ultimately, she is just working and trying to find her way in life. We are glad not to have spent our money for her schooling. If she gets her act together in the future, we might reconsider. Our next one, we thought was doing a lot of goofing off. However, she researched a school, did all she needed to do to get admitted there all by herself, and while I'm not thrilled to see her heading to Oklahoma, I can't see squelching a dream when she's doing it all herself.

All that to say, perhaps if you have the money to offer help at all, then offer it conditioned upon good grades and staying out of trouble, etc. If she can pay the rest, and abides by the conditions, then she can go where she wants (also assuming she gets in and all that). Financial assistance is withdrawn if she drops below a certain GPA.

Also worth considering is what she wants to do with her life. If she's got a goal and a certain school is better for a certain thing, then take that into account, but if she's undecided and just needs to get her core requirements out of the way, a local community college is SO much cheaper!

I don't mean to say specifically what you should or shouldn't do, but am just offering food for thought. College has so many variables, and it's often difficult to navigate through the various options.


Blessings,
Lisa R.
Re: Hi and a question [message #802991 is a reply to message #802985 ] Mon, 28 July 2014 02:02 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Char in MO  is currently offline Char in MO
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Thanks so much, Lisa. I'm not sure how motivated she is, but we can't help her financially. She's been getting good grades in High School so we'll see. I agree that commutes over 45 minutes will be a detriment. I found out about another smaller school that's about 3 hrs. from us. Lots of things to think about.


Love and prayers,
Char , ( recently widowed) mom to ds (26),dd (22), dd(19),dd (13)
Re: Hi and a question [message #802998 is a reply to message #802953 ] Mon, 28 July 2014 03:17 Go to previous messageGo to next message
MicheleB  is currently offline MicheleB
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I don't have any good ideas about which college to choose. But I did want to (hopefully) pass on some encouragement, as I have been in similar circumstances with my oldest, who is now 20.

It was very, very, very difficult for me to see choices that were being made, lifestyle that was being lived, not to mention the worry for the possible consequences those things bring, even death! I will say this- I see my dd coming out "on the other side" now and I see in her a real wisdom she did not have before as far as realizing the former lifestyle wasn't a good choice. I had absolutely *no* control over the situation, which really threw me onto the Lord and trusting that He will teach, guide and bring my child to repentance. There is much left to be done, but I see change and I realize more fully now that redemption truly is of the Lord.

All that being said, I did not fund that lifestyle and I was very careful about what help I did give aside from love and prayer and keeping the relationship open, regardless of her choices. And I never refused getting her away from an immediately dangerous situation if that was needed.

HTH. Smile


Michele
Re: Hi and a question [message #803001 is a reply to message #802953 ] Mon, 28 July 2014 04:42 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Cammie  is currently offline Cammie
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"Many years ago on this site BWSmith wrote a post that has really affected my parenting choices as my kids get older. Her post was a response to a mom who was trying to keep her kids away from anything that seemed like it might be remotely different. Barbara wrote that the greatest evil that our kids will ever encounter is the evil in their own hearts. Great sin isn't "out there"; the greatest sin we will need to grapple with is the sin "inside here." Interestingly enough, Barbara's words have really shaped the level of FEAR that I struggled with as a parent. I was free to not walk in fear of every bad kid or bad influence or bad attitude. I have found Barbara's words to be true over the years. "


This really spoke to me.

[Updated on: Mon, 28 July 2014 10:02]


Cammie
Re: Hi and a question [message #803002 is a reply to message #802998 ] Mon, 28 July 2014 05:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
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Quote:

All that being said, I did not fund that lifestyle and I was very careful about what help I did give aside from love and prayer and keeping the relationship open, regardless of her choices. And I never refused getting her away from an immediately dangerous situation if that was needed.


Wise words.


Blessings,
Lisa R.
Re: Hi and a question [message #803004 is a reply to message #803002 ] Mon, 28 July 2014 06:36 Go to previous messageGo to next message
MicheleB  is currently offline MicheleB
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Lisa R. wrote on Mon, 28 July 2014 05:33

Quote:

All that being said, I did not fund that lifestyle and I was very careful about what help I did give aside from love and prayer and keeping the relationship open, regardless of her choices. And I never refused getting her away from an immediately dangerous situation if that was needed.


Wise words.

Thanks, Lisa. Smile

I wanted to come back because I've been thinking about this all morning. It seems to me the real issue is not so much where your dd chooses to go to college. It seems the deeper and more immediate issue is perhaps twofold:

1). You, the mother, letting your adult daughter go even though you don't agree with her choices and allowing the Lord to have the reins in her life as an adult and allowing Him to bring her to repentance and renewal. (Not saying you are NOT letting go... just that, I really get how hard it is to see a child on a wayward path and want to jump in and control and keep it all "the way it should be"... but we can't- in the long run, that is not successful and does not really create a heart that is seeking the Lord because *she* chooses to do so.)

2). Your dd has/is making her own choices- good or bad- and as an adult, or almost adult, she is probably going to make lots and lots of bad choices (from what you say), but ultimately, she herself has to live with that. IOW, the ball is in her court now. You can make all sorts of plans for her college and future, but unless she has a heart desire to be committed to the Lord, she's going to go her own way for a while. And hopefully with prayer and with life experiences that teach her that choices do come with consequences, she will turn to the Lord whole-heartedly.

That being said, it seems like she has one more year of high school and so will be living with you for at least another year. If this is the case, of course she needs to follow your house rules. But at this point, considering what you've told us about your dd and your concern about her spiritual life, I don't think I would be stressing about which college she chooses. A lot can change in a year. What *I* would do, is, if she's making a choice you really feel you can't support, I would tell her that financially she's on her own. I might help her buy supplies- dorm stuff, etc. But if she's that serious about going to a college that you are dead-set against, she can't expect you to fund it. And that's the nice part of her becoming an adult. She can decide whether she wants to foot her own bill, or if maybe her parents DO have some wisdom in how you want her to go and she is free to choose the path you want her to take.

As I said up thread, I've had to do this. But I have always, always kept the communication open, always made sure they knew I loved them no matter what, and tried to do what *I* felt God allowed me to do and no more. At this point, my dd and I still do not see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but we have a decent relationship. But, she's an adult and she's working and funding her own choices in her own apartment. And that's OK because I can continue to love her and pray for her and speak truth in her life- which actually happens a LOT more than I would have thought and it's usually because *she* opens up the subject of God and life, etc.

That was long- sorry. Just been thinking on this thread a lot. And I hope it doesn't come across and critical or judgmental because in my head, I don't mean it that way. Wink Smile


Michele
Re: Hi and a question [message #803056 is a reply to message #802998 ] Tue, 29 July 2014 09:15 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Char in MO  is currently offline Char in MO
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Thanks, Michelle. Lots of good wisdom.


Love and prayers,
Char , ( recently widowed) mom to ds (26),dd (22), dd(19),dd (13)
Re: Hi and a question [message #803080 is a reply to message #803004 ] Wed, 30 July 2014 05:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
janetR  is currently offline janetR
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MicheleB wrote on Mon, 28 July 2014 05:36

Lisa R. wrote on Mon, 28 July 2014 05:33

Quote:

All that being said, I did not fund that lifestyle and I was very careful about what help I did give aside from love and prayer and keeping the relationship open, regardless of her choices. And I never refused getting her away from an immediately dangerous situation if that was needed.


Wise words.

Thanks, Lisa. Smile

I wanted to come back because I've been thinking about this all morning. It seems to me the real issue is not so much where your dd chooses to go to college. It seems the deeper and more immediate issue is perhaps twofold:

1). You, the mother, letting your adult daughter go even though you don't agree with her choices and allowing the Lord to have the reins in her life as an adult and allowing Him to bring her to repentance and renewal. (Not saying you are NOT letting go... just that, I really get how hard it is to see a child on a wayward path and want to jump in and control and keep it all "the way it should be"... but we can't- in the long run, that is not successful and does not really create a heart that is seeking the Lord because *she* chooses to do so.)

2). Your dd has/is making her own choices- good or bad- and as an adult, or almost adult, she is probably going to make lots and lots of bad choices (from what you say), but ultimately, she herself has to live with that. IOW, the ball is in her court now. You can make all sorts of plans for her college and future, but unless she has a heart desire to be committed to the Lord, she's going to go her own way for a while. And hopefully with prayer and with life experiences that teach her that choices do come with consequences, she will turn to the Lord whole-heartedly.

That being said, it seems like she has one more year of high school and so will be living with you for at least another year. If this is the case, of course she needs to follow your house rules. But at this point, considering what you've told us about your dd and your concern about her spiritual life, I don't think I would be stressing about which college she chooses. A lot can change in a year. What *I* would do, is, if she's making a choice you really feel you can't support, I would tell her that financially she's on her own. I might help her buy supplies- dorm stuff, etc. But if she's that serious about going to a college that you are dead-set against, she can't expect you to fund it. And that's the nice part of her becoming an adult. She can decide whether she wants to foot her own bill, or if maybe her parents DO have some wisdom in how you want her to go and she is free to choose the path you want her to take.

As I said up thread, I've had to do this. But I have always, always kept the communication open, always made sure they knew I loved them no matter what, and tried to do what *I* felt God allowed me to do and no more. At this point, my dd and I still do not see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but we have a decent relationship. But, she's an adult and she's working and funding her own choices in her own apartment. And that's OK because I can continue to love her and pray for her and speak truth in her life- which actually happens a LOT more than I would have thought and it's usually because *she* opens up the subject of God and life, etc.

That was long- sorry. Just been thinking on this thread a lot. And I hope it doesn't come across and critical or judgmental because in my head, I don't mean it that way. Wink Smile


Yes yes yes yes yes. Every word was gold, Michele. I see it as the difference between control vs. guidance vs. influence. No one likes to feel controlled. One who trusts us might come to us for guidance. But for one who has little trust that we really "get" them, influence is the best we can hope for.


JanetR
daughter of the King since 1980
wife to dh since 1981
mom to five of the most incredible adults on the planet, one wonderful 18yo, and grandma to two bouncy grandsons
Re: Hi and a question [message #803090 is a reply to message #803080 ] Wed, 30 July 2014 09:23 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Char in MO  is currently offline Char in MO
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good things to think about. Your are right in saying that alot can happen in a year. I will not help her with getting financial aid for a school I'm set against. She needs to work on that aspect with her counselor. Thanks again everyone.


Love and prayers,
Char , ( recently widowed) mom to ds (26),dd (22), dd(19),dd (13)
Re: Hi and a question [message #803094 is a reply to message #803090 ] Wed, 30 July 2014 15:58 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Elise  is currently offline Elise
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Char in MO wrote on Wed, 30 July 2014 08:23

good things to think about. Your are right in saying that alot can happen in a year. I will not help her with getting financial aid for a school I'm set against. She needs to work on that aspect with her counselor. Thanks again everyone.


Without your help, she likely won't get financial aid at all. Even though both of our kids get private financial aid from their universities, that money is not applied to their bill unless we file FAFSA each year, which means entering all of our financial information into the online application. Our kids would never be able to accurately answer all the questions FAFSA asks of parents; they simply don't know the information.

There are some special circumstances where this could be waived, but in general, the parents' income and savings reported on the FAFSA are used to calculate any federal aid. Once federal aid is applied, THEN the university applies the scholarships/grants from the school. Universities don't want to dole out scholarships and grants that are worth more than a student owes after federal aid is applied.

[Updated on: Wed, 30 July 2014 15:59]


Blessings,
Elise


Wife to Dan
Retired homeschool mom to Emily and Bryan
Academic Resource Tutor at a local high school - basically Mom-at-the-kitchen-table for about 50 students
Re: Hi and a question [message #803104 is a reply to message #803094 ] Thu, 31 July 2014 01:56 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Barbara K (NC)
Messages: 1864
Registered: April 2005
Location: North Carolina
Senior Member
Elise wrote on Wed, 30 July 2014 15:58

Char in MO wrote on Wed, 30 July 2014 08:23

good things to think about. Your are right in saying that alot can happen in a year. I will not help her with getting financial aid for a school I'm set against. She needs to work on that aspect with her counselor. Thanks again everyone.


Without your help, she likely won't get financial aid at all. Even though both of our kids get private financial aid from their universities, that money is not applied to their bill unless we file FAFSA each year, which means entering all of our financial information into the online application. Our kids would never be able to accurately answer all the questions FAFSA asks of parents; they simply don't know the information.

There are some special circumstances where this could be waived, but in general, the parents' income and savings reported on the FAFSA are used to calculate any federal aid. Once federal aid is applied, THEN the university applies the scholarships/grants from the school. Universities don't want to dole out scholarships and grants that are worth more than a student owes after federal aid is applied.



There is a very real risk in refusing to fill out the FAFSA. Almost every school, including Christian colleges, require the FAFSA. If your daughter changes her mind at the last minute about where she wants to go and chooses a school that you DO approve of, you might be scrambling hard to get this filed on time or at all. Yes, you can absolutely control what kind of financial aid she receives by refusing to help her with the FAFSA, but that's closing a really big door that you might not want to close.

I think there's a difference between helping someone track down and apply for scholarships at a school you don't approve of and doing the basic, required-everywhere stuff like filling out the FAFSA. I would also be very slow to use withholding information needed on the FAFSA as a means to pressure my child into going to the school I want them to.

Char, you've received some good advice from a lot of people in this thread. We never were able to put together enough scholarship money to send our kids to Christian colleges, but I know that works for a lot of people. I think we are in an awkward income category for that. I DO want to stress that God is at work on colleges campuses everything, Christian and secular alike. He can lead kids into a vibrant, strong relationship with Himself at a state university just as well as at a tiny, conservative Bible school. God isn't bound by the type of college in His heart-work in our kids.

I think it is worth really thinking and praying through the level of control you choose to retain over the choice of colleges. I agree that we don't need to fund something that we strongly disapprove of, but I think that as parents, we're in dangerous territory if we actually make it impossible (ie by withholding information for the FAFSA) for our kids to have any real choices besides the one WE want. I think there is potential for some serious relational fallout in the future.

At some point, our kids WILL make their own choices and decisions in life. When that happens varies from one family to the next and I think that often it happens before we, as moms, really feel READY for it to happen. I will say that over the years, the choices that I hung on to as my RIGHT....are still sore points in my relationship with my grown kids. The truth is that the day always comes when NONE of their choices are mine to make.


Barbara K (NC)

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Cor 9:8


Re: Hi and a question [message #803107 is a reply to message #802953 ] Thu, 31 July 2014 02:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Teri in AZ  is currently offline Teri in AZ
Messages: 4072
Registered: April 2005
Location: Tucson, AZ
Senior Member

One other comment re the FAFSA - here, at least, it is required in order to get credit for being a resident. It doesn't matter whether you want/need financial aid, everyone is required to fill it out to determine residency for tuition purposes.


Teri in AZ

God is still on the Throne.
Re: Hi and a question [message #803108 is a reply to message #803094 ] Thu, 31 July 2014 02:57 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Char in MO  is currently offline Char in MO
Messages: 813
Registered: April 2005
Location: Ozarks of MO.
Senior Member
Thank you so much Elsie. I was aggravated with her at that time. Yes, I will fill out Fasfa and other documents as needed.


Love and prayers,
Char , ( recently widowed) mom to ds (26),dd (22), dd(19),dd (13)
Re: Hi and a question [message #803109 is a reply to message #803107 ] Thu, 31 July 2014 03:03 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Char in MO  is currently offline Char in MO
Messages: 813
Registered: April 2005
Location: Ozarks of MO.
Senior Member
Good to know. I've rethought this whole thing and I'm not going to try to control it. I've expressed my desires and hopefully she'll make a good decision with God's help.


Love and prayers,
Char , ( recently widowed) mom to ds (26),dd (22), dd(19),dd (13)
Re: Hi and a question [message #803110 is a reply to message #803104 ] Thu, 31 July 2014 03:05 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Robin H.  is currently offline Robin H.
Messages: 3046
Registered: April 2006
Senior Member
Yes, FAFSA is intrusive and a big pain but absolutely necessary. One of our daughters went to Grove City College (a Christian college)and they accept no government aid or scholarships so don't require parents fill out an official FAFSA. However, they require their own in-house equivalent even then.

And to the larger point about parental control and dictates, I love your advice, Barbara. Smile God loves our children more than we do and can work at a secular school too. Actually World magazine had some articles recently, a cover story, about how expensive Christian colleges are and whether they're worth it. It also said many will be closing soon. In my mind, I wonder whether a school that is Christian but has students with serious heart issues (spiritual) will further inflame skeptical students about Christianity and turn them against it. I loved the education that our daughter received and the friends she made at a Christian college but my others have gone secular. Challenging, especially my youngest's touchy-feely PC honors classes, but she was able to see them and their point of view for what they were. Sometimes it's good to know it's secular and have your eyes wide open. But I admit it's an easily-influenced time of life for our grown kids.

So tricky, this stage in our lives. Trying to step back as a parent and figuring out what that looks like.

Robin H.

[Updated on: Thu, 31 July 2014 03:07]

Re: Hi and a question [message #803128 is a reply to message #803110 ] Thu, 31 July 2014 07:00 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
Messages: 14917
Registered: April 2005
Location: Georgia
Senior Member

Another note re: Christian colleges. It's good to find out what that means. Three of my dc went to a school connected to a certain denomination (not ours),and often people said, "Oh, so good to have them at a Christian college!" But the school bills itself as "a faith-based institution affiliated with the [denomination] church." It was NOT a Christian college in the way most people think. In fact, the guy teaching the New Testament class was a professed atheist.

So...you really never know what you're getting and you really need to check it out thoroughly.


Blessings,
Lisa R.
Re: Hi and a question----update [message #813932 is a reply to message #803109 ] Fri, 25 September 2015 10:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Char in MO  is currently offline Char in MO
Messages: 813
Registered: April 2005
Location: Ozarks of MO.
Senior Member
She ended up going to a smaller version of the larger university. She's doing well there. She stays with us, as she only goes 2 days a week. Razz It's and adjustment for sure, but things seem to be going ok. It sure is hard to let go. Exclamation


Love and prayers,
Char , ( recently widowed) mom to ds (26),dd (22), dd(19),dd (13)
Re: Hi and a question [message #813936 is a reply to message #802953 ] Fri, 25 September 2015 17:24 Go to previous message
janetR  is currently offline janetR
Messages: 1937
Registered: March 2010
Location: TX
Senior Member
Thanks for the update, Char! Yes, having wisdom in when to let go and when to stay in control is tough. Glad to hear your dd is doing well.


JanetR
daughter of the King since 1980
wife to dh since 1981
mom to five of the most incredible adults on the planet, one wonderful 18yo, and grandma to two bouncy grandsons
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