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Home » CHFWeb Forum » TitusTwo » Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works)
Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #66614] Tue, 22 November 2005 11:14 Go to next message
blessedwithboys  is currently offline blessedwithboys
Messages: 1119
Registered: April 2005
Location: Western Pa.
Senior Member

Childrearing policy[ 41 vote(s) ]
1.Your policy is too strict for us! 6 / 15%
2.Our policy is VERY similar to yours. 28 / 68%
3.You sound too liberal for our liking. 1 / 2%
4.Other...I'll explain below 6 / 15%

I'm curious as to "how odd" my family is, so I decided to do this poll. Here's the situation...

My dh and I have a policy,
#1 We don't allow our boys to have sleepovers at friend's homes.
#2 When our kids partake in functions, either my dh or myself are there with them. We don't just drop them off.
#3 The only people we ever have *watch* our boys, is my parents or occasionally my sister. (Trusted adults.)

I don't know of another family that has beliefs on parenting that are anything like ours. Our church is very small. One families oldest son (14) has been caught drunk, carrying c*ndoms, and smoking. The mother (head of the house)told me all of this along with what her response was. When he got drunk she didn't punish him because being sick from the alchohol was punishment enough. The c*ondoms came from an older man who gave them to him "just in case". She justified his carrying them because of peer pressure- can't blame him for wanting to look cool. And he was so scared when she found his cigarettes that she knows he won't ever smoke again. He did get grounded for that but she lifted it early for him to do something with his girlfriend.
That is one of the reasons we have adopted our policy.
My church is planning on getting the kids (all boys) together to learn how to take computers apart, maybe go fishing and things like that. The man who would be leading it asked me what I thought about it last night. I explained our policy regarding functions to him- that either myself or my dh would be tagging along. His response was, "Don't you worry that they'll resent you for not giving them any freedom?" I told him that I'm not worried about it and that if it ever does happen, we'll deal with it then. Then he said that he trusts his girls (14 and 18) and that just the other night his dd's, two other girls and 6 *Christian* boys all slept together in his basement! Shocked
When my mouth hit the floor, he said, "Well, not slept together." My mom was with me and before I could say a word, she said, "That would never happen in my home!" I then chimed in. To me this is just unreal. I didn't fall asleep until after 3am because I was running this conversation over in my head. I could go off on just this subject alone, but am holding back so this post isn't too long.
The conversation basically ended with me telling him that I don't care if anyone agrees with the way we raise our kids.
So that's why I'm wondering how "weird" we are.


~It is well with my soul...
Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #66616 is a reply to message #66614 ] Tue, 22 November 2005 11:27 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Teri in AZ  is currently offline Teri in AZ
Messages: 4072
Registered: April 2005
Location: Tucson, AZ
Senior Member

I initially put that I thought you were too strict, but when I read your explaination, I can TOTALLY understand why you are holding to that position. I would do EXACTLY the same thing.

We make decisions case-by-case. There are certain people we let our kids hang out with, even overnight, but that's because we have enough of a relationship with them that we feel comfortable allowing it. They are people who have similiar standards for their children, or if they don't necessarily have the same standards, the understand ours and are willing to accommodate them (ie, movies). There are also certain people that dd is not allowed to be around unless I am with her the entire time. DS picks his friends pretty well, and doesn't have any that would be a negative influence at this time. In fact, most of the time, he's hanging around with the college age kids and the youth leaders. If an issue arose with one of them, believe me, they would have to deal with someone far greater than me!!!


Teri in AZ

God is still on the Throne.
Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #66618 is a reply to message #66614 ] Tue, 22 November 2005 11:36 Go to previous messageGo to next message
denise d
Messages: 6330
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member
I am not as strict as you. I had to say 'other' - I don't think you are too strict. The reasons you are giving for being so protective are understandable - considering your surroundings.

I don't know anyone who has had these issues. I promise I don't live in a cave in the boonies either. I was more close in when ds was younger, and from time to time as we needed it. Ds has been an excellent friend picker overall, usually better than me (no kidding) - very recently we had an unhappy situation.So we tend to be fluid with things, depending on what is going on in life, and knowing the folks around us/our son. Sometimes it is necesssary to be close in (what you are doing) at other times more relaxed.

The only thing I didn't understand, and perhaps it is because I misread is that you are making policy for your children based on the behavior of other children. Is it primarily because the main 'friend pool' is from your church and you're not really excited about that option and hence the policy?

I don't think you're odd.

[Updated on: Tue, 22 November 2005 11:38]


God is Love.
Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #66621 is a reply to message #66614 ] Tue, 22 November 2005 11:52 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Linda Lee  is currently offline Linda Lee
Messages: 944
Registered: April 2005
Location: Upper Peninsula of MI
Senior Member
We only allow sleep-overs with one other family. We very seldom just drop 'em off for an activity, only because most of the stuff they are involved in is family-related. We have a few sets of trusted friends whom we allow to watch our kids. We try to keep pretty tight reigns. It's better to be safe then sorry.


Linda
wife to dearest Tom for 25 years,
mom to Lydia (21), Samuel (18), Logan (13), and Silas (4)
Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #66625 is a reply to message #66614 ] Tue, 22 November 2005 11:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Leslie Fay  is currently offline Leslie Fay
Messages: 482
Registered: April 2005
Location: Steeler country
Senior Member
I voted other...though we're fairly close.
I have had it with sleepovers, we will no longer do them. I just don't think they are necessary.
We are not people who just drop our dc off at anything either.
We leave our dc mostly with family, but sometimes with trusted friends, and there are two girls (sisters) in our church who are really great babysitters and rolemodels, we've had them babysit once so far.
I have experienced similar things to what you have described. I was upset for about two days this summer after seeing and hearing what a friend allowed to go on with her teenage son, unbeknownst to her dh. It can be shocking to find out the standards (or lack of) that some hold to, especially when they are brothers and sisters in Christ. Still, I try not to sit in judgement of others choices in childrearing, it's hard to see what mistakes we are making.
For us,the thought that we will stand before God someday and be accountable for the job we have done with our dc weighs heavily on all the decisions we make concerning them.


Leslie
wife to Bobby
mama of three blessings
Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #66626 is a reply to message #66614 ] Tue, 22 November 2005 11:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Char in mid-south  is currently offline Char in mid-south
Messages: 1555
Registered: April 2005
Location: Mid-South area
Senior Member
First, let me say that we hear comments about how we are *smothering* our daughter because we don't allow her (just turned 14!) to go and do just anything with the youth group and because we homeschool. they obviously have not spent much time with us. Our daughter is far form smothered and has many opportunities to blossom and become her own person. She doesn't have the peer pressure changing who she is so she has the freedom to be herself and do what she is interested in. Thank goodness!

But guess what? I don't care what these folks think! God gave our DD to us to raise and not those of the church. We do not smother, but we are slowly giving her more freedom and more opportunitites to make her own choices but all under the loving guidance of her parents.

I have learned, through observation and unfortunately a bad experience in the last youth group (my DD's attitude was changing towards us and not for the better so we high-tailed it out of there! One of the best decisions we ever made. Youth groups are NOT the most important thing in a child's life. God is and then family! We must prioritize our lives! Many children who have never experienced youth groups have grown up to be perfectly happy, healthy and spiritually wise adults.

Our DD IS involved in youth group but I am also involved. I am on the youth committee team, I am a leader who teaches and is involved with the youth and I am diligent to voice my concerns and opinions when things come up that I am not in agreement with. Some folks have issues with this but I don't care. I am not handing my daughter over for many hours a week to someone who has different convictions than myself and makes that clear to the children (homeschool debates and comments). I am not handing my child over to folks who can not respect my convictions and beliefs when it comes to raising my own child. I don't tell others how to raise their children and I expect to have the same respect in return. God convicts everyone differently to fit the needs of their own families. He knows our needs before we do!!

Depending on which adults are going to an event, I may not attend every function myself. I did not go to the corn maze....because my allergies would have been awful BUT I knew who was going and that this particular person would be dilgent, like myself, in making sure everything was OK. And it was just fine.

I once made the last minute decision to not allow my child to go to a bonfire/BBQ thing at night. My gut feeling was intense and I listened. God gave us all intuitions for a very good reason! I was SO glad I made that decision! Many of the youth were in the woods without adult supervision! They did get a *talking to* afterwards by the leader but why were they allowed such freedom to go into the woods in the first place? Where were the adults? I'm sorry but late at night, no adult supervision, boys and girls mixed? This is never appropriate. Even the best of Christian children fall prey to alcohol, drugs, s*x, etc!

This year I said DD could go...BUT I am going too! Otherwise....she is not going. So sorry.

Am I smothering her or am I just trying to raise her up in protection, love and guidance? Smothering would be to not allow any personal growth, any freedom to make decisions for themselves, and not giving any responsibilty at all.

My job is to love my child. My job is to raise my child in the way God leads us to raise her. My job is to guide my child as she grows older so that she can make the right choices for herself when she's on her own.


Our policy is very similiar to yours, but I still allow the freedom, the personal growth and the opportunity for learning responsibilty.

If you feel God lead in your decisions than you should stick to your convictions! You never know what God is protecting your family from by giving you such strong convictions. Each family is different and I only pray that other Christians would understand and respect this more than they seem to.



Edited to add:

As far as sleep-overs...we allow a certain girl to sleep over and we only allow our DD to sleep over at her house. We used to have many sleep-overs but were very careful as to who it was with. I would NEVER have a mixed sleep-over! Temptation gets the best of people and I wouldn't want to have that worry and responsibilty....as well as I am against it. I don't even like lock-ins at church!

[Updated on: Tue, 22 November 2005 12:04]


Your Sista-Chick in Christ and Friend


Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #66628 is a reply to message #66614 ] Tue, 22 November 2005 12:05 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Vicki in AZ  is currently offline Vicki in AZ
Messages: 551
Registered: April 2005
Location: Tucson, AZ
Senior Member

I voted other, but if we were in your situation, we probably would be handling it in a similar way. Our dc have gone to friends' houses for sleepovers, but those were rare and with trusted friends. We do, at times drop our children off at events, but, there is always a close friend there and they hang out with that friend and their family. The only real times we do that are with scouting activities (ds's best friend is in the same patrol and his parents and us will often take the other boy if someone can't make it) or dance activities (there are usually one or two other parents that I am good friends with that look out for dd). Really, these are about the only times I can think of where we would just drop dc off. Any other activities and either dh or me are there.


Always in Him,
Vicki
Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #66635 is a reply to message #66618 ] Tue, 22 November 2005 12:43 Go to previous messageGo to next message
blessedwithboys  is currently offline blessedwithboys
Messages: 1119
Registered: April 2005
Location: Western Pa.
Senior Member
denise d wrote on Tue, 22 November 2005 11:36



The only thing I didn't understand, and perhaps it is because I misread is that you are making policy for your children based on the behavior of other children. Is it primarily because the main 'friend pool' is from your church and you're not really excited about that option and hence the policy?

I don't think you're odd.




Hi Denise,
One of the primary reasons for our policy does happen to be the "friend pool". But it isn't our only reason.

We live in the county, believe me you don't have to go to the city to find wild kids. We don't know another hs family. I've been in contact with 2 different hs groups that are about 30 minutes away from where we live, and neither of the groups passed along information about their functions. Basically, there is NO ONE, with our beliefs, around here that have kids. You wouldn't believe what we come in contact with. For instance:

The other day my boys (14, 12, and 11) played football with my neice and nephew (soon to be 13 and 10) who live right
up the road. I don't allow them to be around their cousins much because of how they're raised, but my sister was watching them-she lives right next door. One minute everyone is out playing ball the next thing I know my boys are back in the house. Okay, no problem, game over. Then the phone rings, it's my sister, she asks to speak to Levi (my oldest), I hand him the phone, the next thing I hear is my nephew's voice crying, "Levi, I'm so sorry, please don't tell anyone." Okay, what is this?! Levi hangs up, I asked him what was up and he tells me that Cordell called him stupid and that he said some thing about Levi having CP (cerebral palsy), but Levi couldn't put in words. My middle son had taken something back over to my sister and I wanted to ask him what happened so I stepped outside and called for him to come home. Cordell is following behind him, crying out, "Ethan, please, I got to talk to you." Ethan ignored him because he knew I wanted him to come home immediately. Cordell spotted me and started hollering, "Aunt Dawn, Aunt Dawn, please I got to talk to you. I'm sorry." This kid was hyperventilating because he was afraid his dad would find out what he did. I took pity on him, reminded him how bad it hurts to be teased, and told him he was forgiven. He really was a pathetic site.

Chapter 2: Cordell leaves. My dh calls and after I speak with him, I finally have the chance to ask my boys what happened. Ethan didn't hear what happened, all he knew was that all of a sudden everyone quit. Caleb wasn't present at that time. And Levi can't express what went on, he didn't know if he was being hurtful or was making a matter of fact comment regarding the CP comment. But then Ethan tells me that Cordell said to Caleb, "You're fat (laughing) even my mom says you're fat." (Now I want kill someone.)

So I get on the phone to tell my sister that my boys won't be at the party she's having for Cordell (my brother and sil don't make b-day cakes for their kids, so my sister is making them a cake). Before I even get the words out, my sister says, "I am soo sorry. I am soo hurt that Cordell would ever say such a thing to Levi. My heart is broken." Okay, what in the world happened? Apparently, Levi didn't stop my neice from making a touch down, my nephew (who's actually on a team) says to Levi, "You're stupid, you're nothing, you had a stroke in your mommy's tummy." This came from my neice, she was very upset.

My brother excused this because it's what football players do, they "trash talk" to upset the other team. As far as who said what about Caleb, he wasn't sure if it was him or his wife and he wondered why Caleb didn't just beat the crud out of Cordell for saying such a thing.

I feel bad for my kids, I just don't know ANYONE that I feel good about them playing with.

So yes, that's part of why we have that policy. Sorry for the book- aren't you glad you asked? Very Happy



~It is well with my soul...
Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #66710 is a reply to message #66635 ] Tue, 22 November 2005 14:55 Go to previous messageGo to next message
denise d
Messages: 6330
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member
I feel bad that you don't have more choices for your kids. Sometimes it works for the good. Well, it always works for the good eventually. We had an extremely lonely year a few years ago right after the move. We became very close as a family, even though we didn't feel it at the time. It made us rely on each other more, and know each other better...

Kids can be so mean. It sounded like there was some serious remorse (or fear of punishment, which is almost as good sometimes - probably both). Many times they don't even care at all. And their parents don't either.


God is Love.
Ours is somewhat similar... [message #66765 is a reply to message #66614 ] Tue, 22 November 2005 16:29 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Leigh  is currently offline Leigh
Messages: 4587
Registered: April 2005
Location: Tennessee
Senior Member
My parents are both gone, so they were never an issue. We did NOT allow LeighJr to spend the night with dh's parents until she was 4 because they had an open door policy, meaning anyone who wanted to come in, could. There were several neighbors whom we neither liked nor trusted, so until Jr could use the phone on her own, and understood she could call us, she could not go.

However, God has given us a wonderful extended family in the Lord, so we did grant some latitude there because there were people we trusted. We also did not go to every single function after a certain point, because Jr is very good about debriefing, and I realized that by being at every single event I was robbing Jr of the joy in telling me all about it.

I can't recall a time when I regretted letting Jr go to something without me.



Leigh
Tennessee

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety."

~~Benjamin Franklin

Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #66793 is a reply to message #66614 ] Tue, 22 November 2005 16:51 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Deana  is currently offline Deana
Messages: 516
Registered: May 2005
Location: Mississippi
Senior Member
Our policy is similar except like some of the others we do allow sleepovers but only with a couple of families whom we know. Our boys have been great at picking friends and they have good Christian friends from good Christian families.

Our dd is 6.5 and she hasn't done a sleepover yet and frankly I would be more likely to restrict her completely than the boys. Nothing ever happened to me on sleepovers when I was a child but I have learned SOOO much as my job as a school-counselor in training that I can almost go on record right now saying there won't be any for her. And I don't want the responsibility of another child here either.

My children all stay with my in-laws most Friday nights--a tradition begun my dh's grandparents that all parties involved in think is sacred!! It is good time for them to spend with the gparents and I am thankful they have a set they can do that with. Our niece also stays occasionally and dd has a good time with her. But what is funny is MANY nights I am also there until 10 o'clock myself and then I can't wait to get back to get them the next morning Very Happy.

More chidlren should have such parents that care so much about their safety. There are tooooo many horror stories out there!

Interesting topic, I think I'll bring it up with my close friend when she brings her dd over for a playdate. I am so loving being home all week with nowhere to go Very Happy


Deana
Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #66846 is a reply to message #66614 ] Tue, 22 November 2005 17:43 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tam In Az  is currently offline Tam In Az
Messages: 258
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member

Twisted Evil I voted "you're too liberal for us". I'm a tad bit stricter Smile


"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, Joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,"
Galatians 5:21-23
Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #66879 is a reply to message #66846 ] Tue, 22 November 2005 18:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message
blessedwithboys  is currently offline blessedwithboys
Messages: 1119
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Location: Western Pa.
Senior Member
Tam In Az wrote on Tue, 22 November 2005 17:43

Twisted Evil I voted "you're too liberal for us". I'm a tad bit stricter Smile



Oh my, you must really get lectured!


~It is well with my soul...
Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #66998 is a reply to message #66614 ] Wed, 23 November 2005 08:39 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tracy in Peru  is currently offline Tracy in Peru
Messages: 7998
Registered: April 2005
Location: Trujillo, Peru
Senior Member
I voted for similar policy. We do no sleepovers, but that is a reversal from a policy about four years ago. Our oldest dd has been to a few, but no one else. We have a few trusted babysitters and they are not always family. We attend events with our children, but there may be times when it is not possible to attend (siblings are sick, dad out of town on business). In that case, I would evaluate a child's participation, or maybe would give her/him to the care of a another adult specifically, but said adult would have to fall into the category of someone I would allow to babysit the kids.

I would lose a gasket about a youth leader having co-ed sleepovers and thinking that it is okay. No way I would allow my kid to go alone to an event supposedly shepherded by someone with such bad judgement.


In Him--Tracy
Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #67168 is a reply to message #66614 ] Wed, 23 November 2005 17:13 Go to previous messageGo to next message
kittle  is currently offline kittle
Messages: 72
Registered: April 2005
Location: SE Illinois
Member
Our rules are very similiat to yours. But we take everything on a case by case situation. My ds, almost 12, goes on a weekend campout every month and spends goes to 2 weeks of summer camp( one Boy Scout and the other wilderness church camp). With our dd, 16, it just depends what friend she wants to do what with.

The kids used to stay with my parents. Since they have both passed away, there is only my mil and I don't like to ask unless I have to. She doesn't mind and will usually help, I just don't like to feal like I am putting her out. My fil is not an option, I don't trust him and neither does dh. Because of these situations, my 4yos has been on a lot of Boy Scout campouts.
Re: Childrearing poll with long explanation...(hope this works) [message #67298 is a reply to message #66614 ] Wed, 23 November 2005 23:27 Go to previous message
Courtney M  is currently offline Courtney M
Messages: 12
Registered: May 2005
Location: Southwest Wyoming
Junior Member
I haven't read the other posts, but we are exactly like you!! People do think that we are little odd, but I would rather them think that then have something happen that could have been prevented. I feel this is a responsibilty that we have been given, and until they are to the point that we feel they are ready, we will be right there to help and guide them.


The happy helper to Duane for 15 years,
Mommy to Daniel, 14 & Savannah, 12.
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