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Home » CHFWeb Forum » HotTopics » Wondering how prevalent this situation is...
Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549196] Mon, 06 July 2009 13:54 Go to next message
Sherry in NH  is currently offline Sherry in NH
Messages: 9592
Registered: April 2005
Location: Small Town New Hampshire
Senior Member

Children and Grandparents Poll[ 48 vote(s) ]
1.Our children can see their grandparents whenever the grandparents want 16 / 33%
2.Our children could see their grandparents, but distance is an issue 17 / 35%
3.Our children cannot see their grandparents because of relationship issues 1 / 2%
4.Our children cannot see their grandparents for some other reason 0 / 0%
5.Some combo 7 / 15%
6.Something else 1 / 2%
7.Our children can see their grandparents, but only when we are there 5 / 10%
8.Our children do not have any grandparents 1 / 2%
9.I/we do not yet have children 0 / 0%

...why would parents not allow grandparents to see children? Here's a poll

[Updated on: Mon, 06 July 2009 13:57]


In Jesus

Sherry from NH
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549199 is a reply to message #549196 ] Mon, 06 July 2009 14:01 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Charity  is currently offline Charity
Messages: 3518
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member
#2 and #3
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549206 is a reply to message #549196 ] Mon, 06 July 2009 14:06 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Laura in VA  is currently offline Laura in VA
Messages: 3959
Registered: January 2007
Senior Member
I put number seven...we have to be there...but that is because grandparents is plural Wink After my moms whole thing last month with taking Dallas to talk to the Army recruiter who was down on the beach for senior week Dh and I have decided no more trips on their own Wink We're just raising them very differently. Both sets of grandparents live 7 hours away though...so for us this is easy because it's no short trip to get them anywhere.

I did not have a fun time with my mom last visit Sad I love her, and I understand it must be hard to watch your dc raise their dc differently...as if what they did wasn't right...but I am responsible to God for my girls...and that trumps all Wink


So now the Lord says, "Stop right where you are! Look for the old, godly way; and walk in it. Travel its path and you will find rest for your souls. ~Jer 6:16

Everyone can purchase their freedom by having the courage to forgo the perks of dependency.
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549263 is a reply to message #549206 ] Mon, 06 July 2009 16:34 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Michele (Queen of Cheap)  is currently offline Michele (Queen of Cheap)
Messages: 5816
Registered: April 2005
Location: Georgia
Senior Member
Just #2. My mother is coming for a visit at the end of the month for 10 days. she lives 8 1/2 hours away.


Michele, The Organic Queen of Cheap!
(aka Shelly the Swamp Frog)

Happily posting on CHF since 1995


Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549304 is a reply to message #549196 ] Mon, 06 July 2009 18:30 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Terri in MI  is currently offline Terri in MI
Messages: 193
Registered: April 2005
Location: Michigan
Senior Member
#1. My parents live 10 minutes away and we see them all the time. My kids love to spend the night there with their cousins.

Dh's parents also live 10 minutes away, but Dh and I make sure we are there when the kids visit. My FIL is not well and he can't take much noise so we keep our visits brief.


Terri <><

Wife 20 yrs., Mom to 6 blessings!
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549312 is a reply to message #549196 ] Mon, 06 July 2009 18:45 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
Messages: 14916
Registered: April 2005
Location: Georgia
Senior Member

Well, I chose the ever-helpful "some combo." Very Happy They could probably see one set any time they want...and even though we're close, both of us live such busy lives that it isn't all that often. The other set, we're much more guarded with, because they've done some things that prove them untrustworthy in a number of ways, and it's just easier all around if we supervise and visit as family. There's very little tension or problem when we're all there! Actually, my older/adult children can handle the issues themselves, if they arise. But for the younger ones, we need to be there.


Blessings,
Lisa R.
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549314 is a reply to message #549206 ] Mon, 06 July 2009 18:46 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa R.  is currently offline Lisa R.
Messages: 14916
Registered: April 2005
Location: Georgia
Senior Member

Laura in VA wrote on Mon, 06 July 2009 14:06

I put number seven...we have to be there...but that is because grandparents is plural Wink After my moms whole thing last month with taking Dallas to talk to the Army recruiter who was down on the beach for senior week Dh and I have decided no more trips on their own Wink


Um...Army recruiter? Isn't Dallas like 12-13? Are they recruiting earlier these days???! Shocked Good grief.


Blessings,
Lisa R.
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549317 is a reply to message #549196 ] Mon, 06 July 2009 18:48 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Elizabby  is currently offline Elizabby
Messages: 5476
Registered: April 2005
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Senior Member
We're not there yet, and I hope we never will be, but I've had some thoughts about "unacceptable behaviour" from my MIL which would end her unsupervised access to our children. So far, when confronted she has always agreed to abide by my standards, but if the day ever came that I felt I couldn't trust her in this - that would be the end of access when neither of us is present. I've seen what she did to her own daughter and I'm NOT letting that happen to my kids! (I think her issues are more about older kids than littles anyway.)


Your sister in Christ,

Elizabby

Evie is six, Zoe is four, and Benji is two!

Not online as much these days, contact me through email or my blog if you want to talk to me!
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549318 is a reply to message #549196 ] Mon, 06 July 2009 18:48 Go to previous messageGo to next message
K in nc  is currently offline K in nc
Messages: 3157
Registered: January 2006
Senior Member

Ours can see them any time they want...but I can think of a myriad of reasons why one might limit or not allow visits...


Wife to the most wonderful man in the world for 27 years! Mom to the three most wonderful kids in the world! (well most of the time)
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549332 is a reply to message #549196 ] Mon, 06 July 2009 19:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Jamie in TX  is currently offline Jamie in TX
Messages: 1103
Registered: April 2006
Location: Central Texas
Senior Member
I voted "some combo", b/c it depends on which grandparents we are talking about.

My mother and stepfather live 30 minutes away and they can see our boys anytime with or without us.

MIL also lives just 30 min. away, but b/c of circumstances w/ drug addicted SIL living with her with her children we choose not to go there and our boys are definitely not going there without us. MIL is free to come here anytime, but chooses not to very often. Crying or Very Sad

My father and stepmother live 9 hours away and that makes it difficult for visiting. We haven't seem them in two years and we were the last ones to travel up there. I wish they would come here as it is my opinion that it would be easier for them to travel than us with four children. But, oh well.


Jamie
Married to my high school sweetheart for 16 years
Mom to our 4 growing boys: 11, 7, 6 and 3
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549346 is a reply to message #549196 ] Mon, 06 July 2009 20:01 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Leigh  is currently offline Leigh
Messages: 4572
Registered: April 2005
Location: Tennessee
Senior Member
Our daughter could see her paternal grandparents whenever. They weren't far away.

Now she can drive down to the nursing home where her grandmother is and visit any time she wants. I can see my grandchildren pretty much when I want to, and some times when I don't expect it. Like today.


Leigh
Tennessee

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety."

~~Benjamin Franklin

Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549355 is a reply to message #549196 ] Mon, 06 July 2009 20:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Cammie  is currently offline Cammie
Messages: 1861
Registered: April 2005
Location: Tennessee
Senior Member
Timely poll, as we just returned from visiting two sets of grandparents. Neither visit went well, and is not worth rehashing.

Our children will never be unsupervised with any set of grandparents.


Cammie
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549385 is a reply to message #549196 ] Mon, 06 July 2009 22:08 Go to previous messageGo to next message
SkiGirl
Messages: 2169
Registered: April 2005
Location: Tidytown
Senior Member
I think I put "something else."

First of all, all of our parents are out of state. So that is a factor.

One set of parents are not an issue. She tends to be a little too careful and asks about everything which sometimes annoys my dh. However, the other set have a history of not listening and respecting our wishes. There have also been times when my children have told me things that happened when I was not there, but parents have denied these things. This has happened many, many times. They asked to take children home with them (a whole day's drive) when they were VERY young. We were not comfy with it and said no.

A few years ago, there was an incident where I blew up. I did have good reason and I finally had to put my foot down. I confess it was not in the most Godly manner. It is a long story and she said she "did not need my permission" and I informed her that she did indeed because my children were ultimately MY responsibility. I really wish I had done this years ago. I am really non-confrontive so this is why it took me nearly 16 yrs to speak up. She has been much more respectful of me since then.

They can watch them for a few hours, but that is as far as we go. I will never leave my food allergic ds alone with them. He MUST have an older sibling along. They do NOT get his allergies and the seriousness of them. There have been a few issues there. Confused

Needless to say, I am racking up a list of things not to do as a grandparent.

The funny thing about our parents....Dh and I are only a year apart. Our fathers had the same exact occupation -- ministers in the EXACT same denomination -- different states. However, one set of parents is VERY conservative while the other set is rather liberal. There is an age difference between them. But they are really very different.

[Updated on: Mon, 06 July 2009 22:13]


Rebecca
Married to my best friend and mommy to 6.

Daily given more Grace than I will ever deserve....




Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549425 is a reply to message #549196 ] Tue, 07 July 2009 03:52 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Trisha in Hawaii  is currently offline Trisha in Hawaii
Messages: 337
Registered: April 2009
Senior Member
Sadly, when my children were...children they could only see their grandmother if dh or I were supervising. Now that they are young adults, they see her on their own. We feel that we did the right thing protecting them from her when they were more vulnerable. But it's sad.
T


Aloha ke Akua
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549437 is a reply to message #549196 ] Tue, 07 July 2009 07:35 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Lisa L. in Pa.  is currently offline Lisa L. in Pa.
Messages: 737
Registered: April 2005
Location: Pennsylvania
Senior Member
Our kids can and do see both sets of grandparents whenever they want but there are some minor snafus.

Neither set has ever been the type to say "Oh! We miss the kids, can we come get them/can you bring them to visit?" and only one set has ever been truly there for us in times when we've needed babysitters (because probably like many of you I am very, very particular about with whom I leave my kids).

The grandmother who was always more than willing to babysit is now suffering health concerns and I think her babysitting days are over. We also used to live next door to that grandmother and when dd was younger would go next door to visit grandma almost daily.

The other set of grandparents (and other members of the family) have had/continue to have some issues among them so that I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my children there by themselves without me or dh, and certainly never overnight but I do try to make regular visits there.

It makes me kind of sad that my kids aren't closer to their grandparents because I was close to both of my grandmas and especially close to my maternal gram.

[Updated on: Tue, 07 July 2009 07:38]


Wife to dh since '91

Mama to...
DD '96
DS '06
And three babies in Heaven

**Enjoying our 12th year of homeschooling!**

Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549443 is a reply to message #549196 ] Tue, 07 July 2009 07:51 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Robin H.  is currently offline Robin H.
Messages: 3046
Registered: April 2006
Senior Member
Some of my children are grown, some are teens. But we've never lived close to grandparents. It might have been an issue if we had. My mil had some startling ideas. She's mellowed now.

I am now a grandmother of one and one soon coming. I babysit my granddaughter fairly often and have never been restricted from her. We're very close (she's only one). I really enjoy seeing her and my grown children. We all live close (within 25 min.). But I am very conscious of not being pushy or demanding in this area. And I try very hard to follow dd's and dsil's instructions and preferences when I care for her. I've never had any trouble in this area and I mean to keep it that way. I have very definite child-rearing ideas and was pretty pushy/strict with my own children. I recognize that tendency in myself. So I'm careful.

But I LOVE being a grandmother, and a close-by one. It's an amazing blessing.

Robin H.
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549496 is a reply to message #549196 ] Tue, 07 July 2009 10:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
elliemaejune  is currently offline elliemaejune
Messages: 1219
Registered: April 2005
Location: Texas
Senior Member
If the grandparents tried to undermine our efforts to homeschool, the dc would not spend time with them without our being there.

If the grandparents were abusive in ANY WAY, the dc would not spend time with them without our being there, and if it was bad enough, not at all.


Born again since 1974
Married to Mr. Ellie for over 30 years
Mom to 2 amazing grown-up dds and 2 dsil
Grandmother to 1 beautiful baby boy

A kitten dies every time you use an apostrophe to pluralize.
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #549645 is a reply to message #549196 ] Tue, 07 July 2009 19:46 Go to previous messageGo to next message
MartySC  is currently offline MartySC
Messages: 532
Registered: August 2005
Location: Upstate SC
Senior Member
My children see my mother a few times a year. She lives 3 hours away and wants the children to be on perfect behavior when they visit her at her assisted living facility. If the toddler fusses, my mother panics that people will think badly of her for having such an undisciplined grandchild. This ends up being very stressful for me, so I avoid it as much as I can. My brother, who lives near her, brings her up to visit 4 times a year for birthday parties, and after Christmas we meet at a zoo half-way to exchange Christmas presents and spend some time together.

My mil only lives a few miles away but is so hyper-critical we try to avoid too much time there as well. It breaks my heart, but my children actually groan when we say we are going to see her. My fil is pleasant on his own, but I try to avoid spending time with them together as mil criticizes fil as well. I don't want my children to see such un-biblical behavior from a woman who is a Christian. I don't want them thinking that a wife disrespecting her husband is acceptable.

Crying or Very Sad

Quick postscript: We are exempt form visiting my mother, at least for a while. My youngest boy got a mohawk haircut recently and the next one above him got a fauxhawk. My mother haas said bluntly that they are not welcome to visit her looking like that. Shocked I told my oldest dd her children could be tattooed, pierced and painted green and they could still come visit me when I am old. No worries though - she wants me to live with her when I can no longer care for myself. It is one of the criteria she wants her fathe to use when he looks for a husband for her.Very Happy

[Updated on: Tue, 07 July 2009 19:48]


Wife to my best friend, Mom to 18yog, 16yob, 14yob, 12yob, 11yob, 6yog, and five lost to miscarriage
Re: Wondering how prevalent this situation is... [message #551356 is a reply to message #549196 ] Mon, 13 July 2009 19:49 Go to previous message
Jamie
Messages: 4118
Registered: April 2005
Senior Member
I voted "some combo" as we've lived through a bunch of those stages.

My parents live, and have lived, right down the street from us. The kids have been able to walk back and forth between our two homes, visiting them more or less at their own whim except for certain periods of time. We've kept the kids from them when their interference ran into really treacherous times. We've forbidden my son to be there for the better part of a year, and have only now (the last month) started to allow him to visit with certain parameters set in place. My parents were already willing to make compromises and I put my foot down...as it is, my son is much more willing to be compliant and would stop going on his own...so they backed off. The grandparents have a standing Tuesday night dinner with the kids.

My ILs live roughly an hour away, which I suppose sounds like quite a lot of travel time...my own grandmother lived slightly more than that from us and we saw her every single weekend (I often spent the night, too, as a child) and my own kids did the same when she was alive...however, an hour distance seems too much for my ILs to take, and they see the kids little more than once a year at Christmas Eve. We never kept the kids from his parents, but with the kids being this age now, they are free to stay or leave the last time my ILs dropped in unannounced (last month...before that we hadn't heard from them since Christmas Eve). FIL mentioned this, but we changed the subject. I just don't feel it important to at this stage, require more of the kids than what was built already.


Peace
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