Good Thursday morning, dear sisters!
Thank you so much to everyone who shared yesterday! If you'd like to add any more thoughts or ideas, please do! Let's continue these conversations on intentionally blessing our dh's for another day, okay? Please feel free to share anything "you wish you knew" or anything that's really helped you in staying happily married. What a priceless treasure we can give our dc: the example of a happy, God-centered marriage! And what a warm and inviting home it makes. Here's a compilation of yesterday's
[Note these are from all the various participants of the discussion. Jenni
originally had them in different colors, but that format didn't transfer
directly to this forum, and I'm not taking the time to make all the necessary
format changes now! --TE]:
The whole line of authority thing just makes it all work SO much better! I wish I had known that I didn't have to do everything...and that God could and would take care of Dh without any help from me. No naggin' needed
Oh...one of my other nuggets that I thought about as I was adding beer to my grocery list Don't have convictions FOR my husband!! I am NOT his Holy Spirit....and until God speaks to him about such things as long as it's not a clear sin, I need to keep my big mouth shut! There are FAR worse things in life than a husband who enjoys a beer every now and again...yet I could have, and would have but for the grace of God, ruined my marriage but pushing MY convictions on my husband...cause I knew better And it's not that I even think drinking is a sin, I just don't do it any more...so I didn't think he should either
When we got married, the pastor told us that marriage is not a 50/50 situation, but a 100/100 situation. What he didn't tell us was...my 100% would rarely equal dh's 100%! Sometimes his was greater, sometimes mine. It is wrong to compare mine to his...we are both doing our best, and that is what's important, even when it doesn't seem to be "enough". (After being married for 25 years or so, we came to realize that it all evens out in the end... )
This is also the model of Christ and His Church. We often don't live up to Jesus' 100%, yet He remains faithful to us! So, too, we must remain faithful to Him (even if we think His 100% isn't "enough" at the moment).
Listen more closely to his "suggestions."
A couple of things that I remember a person telling me before my husband and I got married was to always make sure *I* was the person he wanted to come home to see. She went on to say to make sure home was his haven, the place where his wife loves on him, etc. I had another person tell me to treat him better than you would a stranger on the street. I mean, really - think about it, "we" tend to treat strangers with courtesy and such!
I've also learned through the years that we can't compare our marriage to anyone else's marriage. What works for us would be a train wreck for someone else.
My major advice would be to seriously consider the admonition to honor your dh and always be careful not to undermine him. Always defer to his leadership and be respectful when you need to question him.
I think the one thing I would share is when you commit to a marriage, commit 100%. There is no halfway commitment....I'll do this, if he does that. It's 100% on both sides but all you can worry about is your own 100%!
1. I learned to submit to his authority and to encourage him to lead. I was NOT a submissive wife when we married, and he is too laid back to push it. We went along for years like that until God began to work on us. Now I sometimes still struggle, but I know that dh is much better at leading than I am!
2. I have learned to use his love language. We talked about this earlier, but I really think it is important. My love language is acts of service, so I would do things like wash his clothes and make tea, etc. and expect him to get a big thrill out of it. He appreciated it but just didn't seem so excited. I learned that I need to use his love language to really fill his tank!
3. The other most important thing I've learned is to seek to satisfy him physically. (Did I say that delicately enough . I have heard many Christian wives (and I've been one) who say, "Well I'm too tired and busy from caring for the house and kids, and that just shouldn't be such a big deal. He just thinks about that all the time!" But, the fact is, that is how God created dh. And I need to love him in that way. It makes all the difference in our relationship when he knows I am seeking to please him there.
-The person you marry is going to be your best friend in life, for life. You should treat each other that way.
-Make home a refuge.
"1) make sure your dishes are done after every meal and keep your sink clean and 2) make sure you learn how to do everything around the house so that when he dies, you'll know how to do things."
Find little ways to bless your dh. Not only does it help him out, but it helps me because I'm more in tune with him and his needs/wants. To me it's a way of telling him, "Hey! I've got your back!" The workplace can be a not so nice place and the knowledge that there is a sanctuary waiting for them can be so helpful. (Even if that sanctuary is chaotic at times, lol, it makes a difference if they know you have their best interests at heart.)
1.Greet hubby at the door when he gets home. When you have children, train them to do the same. It is hard for men (at least it is for my hubby) to leave home every day to go out into the corporate world. Welcome him home with a hug and kiss.
2.Figure out his love language, and maybe yours, too.
3. Physical needs are VERY important to men. Make them feel special by pleasing them.
4.Some men (I would say most men) are 'fixers' and if you unload problems on him, and he sees a way to fix it, that is what he will tell you. If you are just wanting to 'vent' preface that before you start talking.
5. To me, love is a choice. Even during hard times, when your hubby doesn't seem lovable...make that choice to love them--To honor your covenant to God,and to him.
You may think you know everything about the person you are going to marry, but you don't. You will continue to be learning about each other.
Effective, fervent prayer
Realize that dh has off days, as much as we do, and sometimes either needs to just be alone or at times needs you to just listen & not try to 'fix' [That's hard for me!] Also, even when you've argued, don't go to bed mad at each other. Forgive and make sure to say I love you and kiss before you or dh leaves EACH time.
Pick well to begin with...
Frequent and free physical relations.
1. Living the CRUCIFIED LIFE with Christ! Dying to self pretty much takes care of a huge number of problems.
2. Focus on the positive qualities of your husband instead of any negative --and don't sweat the small stuff. Don't be easily offended.
3. To be human is to have an "off" day at times...take turns. Laughing Don't both of you be childish, stupid, or grouchy at the same time!
4. Have an attitude of ministry and serve your husband as you would serve the Lord instead of having a "doormat/slave" mentality where you feel you are a martyr.
5. Let your love and appreciation for your husband show each and every day --not just in saying you love him (although that's nice, too!), but in your actions!
6. No matter how long you've been married, no matter how busy you are, or how many children take up your time, always demonstrate to your husband that he is number ONE (in Christ ) in your life!
1) Make him your #1 priority. I think when we become moms, we are tempted to give our children all of our best time. He needs that best time. If he is not your priority, when the kids are gone, who will be left?
2) Tell him everything -- your hopes, your dreams, your worries and concerns and be there to listen to the same from him
3) Never ask a question that you don't want to hear the answer to
4) Ask him about spiritual matters -- This will only work if equally yoked. I think it really honors my dh when I bring him spiritual questions
5) The promise I made myself when I got married -- never, ever say no to relations. I think that this one has really made a difference. I have not been perfect and not gone in wholeheartedly at times, but I never told him no. God has met my needs even when I was tired or not feeling my best. And I have a very happy dh.
6) MAKE time for you and dh -- go out on a date or set aside time at home with NO distractions. The dishes and housework can wait. Better to have a happy husband and a dirty home than to have a spotless home where two strangers live.
Some things I wish I knew when we got married:
Talking directly to dh is better than talking obliquely.
Dh thinks differently than me...not because he's obstinate...but because God made his brain like that...boy babies' brains get formed differently in general than girl babies' brains.
Dh has a different spiritual gift than I do...we used to drive each other crazy because we didn't understand that. Someone would be struggling - my perspective as a comforter/mercy person is: Oh, let's go talk to them and make them feel better -- dh's perspective as a servant is: Oh, let's go build'em a deck! I thought he was insensitive and he thought I was impractical for the longest time. It turns out we're just bent toward different responses...and that's something God gave each of us.
I don't have to tell dh all my words ...I can adapt my conversational style.
The thing I wish I would have known when I got married is how not to take his moodiness personal. I don't now but I could have saved myself a few years of hurt feelings over nothing.
My marriage "nugget" to a bride-to-be is:
Learn to appreciate your dh's viewpoint - especially in areas in which the two of you are not totally in sync. Work toward understanding his position and supporting it.
Praying blessings over our marriages and our homes! Have a great day, friends.
Hugs to all,