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Home » CHFWeb Libraries » Titus Two Library » Intimacy in Marriage
Intimacy in Marriage [message #19] Tue, 19 April 2005 14:57
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CHFWeb: Christian Homeschool Fellowship on the Web - Articles & More: Message Board Library - Titus Two

Intimacy in Marriage

A Sister asked how she could meet her husband's desire for intimacy when she felt so exhausted all the time? Here are some of the responses:

Posted by Tamara Eaton:

I have a few suggestions that might be helpful if you're not already doing these things:

* Take a nap or a good break in the afternoon from your daughter to get rested up. Children benefit from this,too.

* Take care of yourself--eat foods that are good for you and get regular exercise. Drink some V-8!(big grin)

* Pace yourself during the day so you're not so exhausted at night. Think about whether your husband would like a spotless house and a wife who has completed 192 projects that day or a rested wife who has enough energy to demonstrate her great love for him? (grin)

* Plan your dinner earlier in the day so it's not stressful in the evenings, either.

* Make sure your daughter has a regular bedtime routine, make it early enough so you can have some time to unwind before you go to bed.

* Establish a good bedtime routine for YOU, too! Maybe a relaxing bath and soft music. Sometimes moms have a problem making the transition from mom to wife, especially when their child is young. Don't forget that you're much MORE than "just a mom".(grin) You are a WOMAN and God has given you a MAN --your own husband! Enjoy him!

* PRAY! God has created both husbands and wives with desires and needs, ask Him to help work this out and help you meet your husband's needs and nurture your special one flesh relationship.

This will strengthen not only you and your husband but your daughter, too. She will reap the benefits of having parents who love each other unconditionally and completely and are able to then, from that strong relationship, minister to her needs, too. What a precious gift and example!

Here's one more thought that might help you:

*You have the honor of giving your husband more pleasure than anything/anyone else in this world.*

I'm, of course, talking about *God's plans* here. HE planned it so that a married couple could experience this pleasure and fulfillment --you can give your husband something that no one else can give! Isn't that wonderful? The world has been so deceived into a perverted view of intimacy, but God's plans and purposes are so holy and beautiful and He actually wanted us to ENJOY it, too!

In His Abiding Joy and Strength,

Tamara


Posted by: Cynthia

If we take the actions....our feelings will usually come along fairly soon. After 14 years of marriage, 3 children, a dog, 2 cats, and homeschooling....I am also very weary at the end of the day. So, we've starting using the "early morning" hours...it's a great way to send him off to work. And then I don't have to feel guilty in the evening if I am too tired. And then sometimes..I will submit simply because I want to show him I love him, most men *really* need that affirmation in the bedroom. More than anything else I think. And my dh is *always* less cranky if I keep his physical needs met...which means he is alot more eager to meet my emotional needs. I'm sure God planned it all perfectly. It just takes us a while to figure out how this is supposed to work. Keep lovin' your man...any way you can. He's your gift from God. Enjoy!!!

All His,

Cynthia


Posted by: Charity

Tamara wrote: " Establish a good bedtime routine for YOU, too! Maybe a relaxing bath and soft music. Sometimes moms have a problem making the transition from mom to wife, especially when their child is young."

This is excellent advice. I think it is very difficult to feel "romantic" when you fall in bed just after checking off the last chore for the day.

Having a bit of time to do something feminine for yourself (and in the process for your husband, as well) will make you approach your alone time with your husband with a whole different mindset.

I love to take a nice bath before bedtime and I've elevated it to a fine art. Smile I put on some lovely soft music, light scented candles, pour in about 3 million cups of bubble bath. Get myself a glass of

iced tea in a long-stemmed glass and absolutely camp out! When I get out, I treat myself to a wonderful smelling lotion or powder (usually peach). Do my nails. Or have a facial. Or style my hair the way he likes it. Pamper. Pamper. Pamper.

This really works. You'll come out of the bathroom feeling like a whole different creature. All the work and seeming drudgery of the day will be gone and you'll feel like a wife again. Smile

Hey...if it worked for Esther....

Charity - Whose Husband Tells Her "You need a bath" When She's Cranky


Posted by: joni

Dear Julie,

You've gotten some great advice so far. I would definitely work on getting more rest and cultivating those special thoughts about your hubby the way everyone has suggested.

Here's my additional two cents.

Pray. Yes, I did say pray. Many of us have allowed things into our past lives that intrudes and warps this intimate area of our marriage. My dh often prays aloud that God will bless our lovemaking. HE does.

Be realistic. You don't have to see shooting stars every time you come together!!! We try to find the time and energy to express our love the way we both like it very often. However, there is nothing wrong with coming to an understanding that he might have more needs than you, and that you can gently and lovingly "submit."

Okay, so I'll be bold and just say it. Sometimes we're BOTH too tired, but he would still like to make love. Know what I mean? For a long time, my dh would roll over and go to sleep without saying anything because he knew he wasn't up to a five-star performance! Now, he realizes that the Lord has given my body to him to and he doesn't feel guilty about it! And I don't make him feel guilty about it! I can enjoy our lovemaking in a different way at those times. Besides, we know that next time...we might see shooting stars!

Someone suggested the a.m.... well, all I've got to say about that is... "rejoicing comes in the morning" (wink!)

With affection,

Joni


Posted by: Julia

Thanks for starting this thread, Julie. I've benefited from all these suggestions. Timing and fatigue have been real issues in my marriage at different times. Here are some things that have worked for us: 1) My dh has to go to bed very early (8:30 p.m.), because he has to be on the job by 4:00 a.m....YUCK!! When I'm really organized, I can have all the kids down by 9:00 p.m. Since I'm a night owl, I'm not the least bit sleepy and believe me dh doesn't mind if I wake him Wink!! 2) Whoever said that the time to make love is in the evening when we want to go to sleep??!! Be creative and experiment with different times during the day. Don't everyone laugh at once!! We have three children and it CAN be done!! My 11 yr. old is capable of a simple breakfast for the younger one's while mommy and daddy "sleep-in" for a few extra minutes (don't tell dh that I said "minutes"). My kids also love a favorite video in the middle of the afternoon (dh is usually home by 2:00 p.m.). We love to take showers together! 3) Set the mood throughout the day. Greet your husband with a romantic kiss and caresss when he walks through the door. Believe me, he'll be very attentive the rest of the evening!!! Very Happy 4) Communicate verbally your desires to one another. I don't want to be too explicit, but you get my meaning. 5) Many times we get in a vicious cycle of not meeting his physical needs because our emotional needs aren't being met, AND he's not meeting our emotional needs because his physical needs aren't being met. DON'T let that happen!! Take the higher ground that God calls us too and meet his physical needs. Be the one to break the cycle if it starts!

Well, I think I'll give dh a "love call" at work now! Can't wait 'til he gets home!!! *wink*

Blessings,

Julia


Posted by: Julie

And to think I was afraid to start this thread!! You ladies are awesome! Joni, about praying before (or during) lovemaking. That reminds me of a series of sermons my pastor did last year on marriage Hebrews

13:4. It was a seven sermon series and was great. Matt and I thoroughly enjoyed it even though we weren't married yet. We both knew we would get married and looked forward to hearing everything all over in premarital counseling. My pastor is a VERY reserved, symmetrical person (we love him dearly). He was talking about when a husband and wife come together and that when you go into the bedroom, not to leave God out when you close the door. He said, "I'd like to suggest something...now this is gonna blow your holy heads....but what about praying during love making" He continued to elaborate on how to pray, what to pray for etc. It was kind of funny when he said that because no one in the 350 person congregation would've expected him to say that, but he is truly a wise man. He also talked about "the little foxes that spoil the vineyard"--I think it's from Song of Solomon--I can't remember the verse off the top of my head. But it had great wisdom in it. That was a whole sermon in itself. By foxes I mean---poor communication, bringing worldly language into the bedroom, selfishness, you catch the drift. He reminded us to "not get too familiar with each other"--in other words, not to take each other for granted, to continuously learn about the other person, to still leave some things up to the imagination, if that makes any sense.

It is certainly easier to communicate when you're talking face to face, isn't it?


Posted by: Ellen

Hi Julie,

Sex, between, a husband and a wife, is a joy that God has blessed us with ! Submission to your husband does not mean gritting your teeth until it is over. It means that your husband is the head of your home, and in a Christian home, this is a position that honors YOU too. When our children were really little, all I wanted to 5 minutes without ANYONE touching me, needing something from my body (Caroline was nursing and Josh needed to be held constantly) and Jeff saw that I was starting to feel that making love was ONE MORE demand on me. So, instead of being pushy, he began to "woo" me all over again. I mean, he'd light candles, give me backrub and just make me feel that I was SPECIAL to him and not just what I could do for him. I think we learned more about intimacy during that time than in any other time in our marriage. What could have been really stressful became a time that we fell in love all over again.

Talk to your husband about your needs, how you are feeling physically and be very honest about being tired. I think what you may need, too, is to 'make a date' with him ! I know that on nights we do this, I even make myself a cup of coffee to stay awake for our special time together. Your husband may simply not know how you're feeling !

About submission in other areas: my mother is an absolute feminist. She was married several times before marrying my dad (they've been married for 26 years this month !) and feels that women lose themselves in a marriage. I think that she views this through the eyes of someone who was involved with unChristian, unkind and generally men who didn't honor her, God or their relationship. She views the 'submission' idea in light of abuse and mistreatment. But, what she fails to realize, as do many feminists, is that submission in a Godly marriage to a Godly man is not slavehood or servitude. It is a structure of family. My husband relies on me to run our home smoothly, to teach our children diligently and to trust me with our daily finances. I rely on him to support us, to be the 'rock' of the family, to lead us in worship, to be 'the principal' of our homeschool and to advise me on many matters. I think clearly defined roles help a marriage so much. The marriages I have seen crumble are often ones with an ongoing power struggle.

When we think of Christian husbands and our submission to them, we also need to think of men DESERVING this very high honor. An abusive or negligent husband does not honor his family, and thereore, is not falling under the same guidelines. Just my VERY humble opinion !

Love,

Ellen


Posted by: Peggy

Dear Julie,

First I want to say that I am glad that you posed this question, because I'm sure that it is one that other women may grapple with. It shows an honesty on your part and a willingness to rectify something that seems to be a problem in the most important earthly relationship you have.

All of the thoughts the others have contributed are worthy of consideration. In addition, I have some other thoughts I'd like to pose that may require a great deal of soul searching and honesty on your part.

You said that intimacy is not new to you, that you've had other intimate relationships, before becoming a Christian. Is it possible that when you were so poor in spirit, you were attempting to use physical intimacy to legitimize your own worth...attain love and acceptance where you could not find it elsewhere? If there is any possibility that this is the case, you may have been "using" intimacy for your own gain (albeit a gain that is an inherent necessity in the lives of all human beings...that of feeling some sense of worth and love).

True intimacy, as God intends it, fulfilled within the bounds of lasting covenant and nurture is enduring...trust is developed and fear banished. When intimacy is not within those confines, it becomes hollow and meaningless...it proves nothing substantial and enduring.

I'm sure that now that you are in a relationship of enduring covenant and nurture, you feel much more worth and love. But, perhaps your associated feelings in regard to physical intimacy still rings somewhat hollow and unsubstantial because of the emptiness in your past relationships.

You may not know the beauty behind it in the covenantal relationship, because your other relationships did not prove the enduring beauty of it. You no longer need to use physical intimacy to gain love and worth, because that love and worth has been given to you freely by your husband who loves, trusts and cherishes you in all ways.

Now you need to show *your* love...*your* trust in your husband by giving him the intimacy that can hold promise for *both* of you by virtue of its being a constituent of enduring covenant and nurture. Trust him, Julie...and love him. Even if that intimacy doesn't hold the same primacy for you in acquiring what you need and desire, it is still something very substantial and meaning-filled in the covenantal relationship you have with your husband, now. It is something that *he* needs and desires even if you are not aware of its meaning for yourself right now. Believe that it can and will have meaning and substance and you and your husband will be one in spirit and flesh.

Love,

Peggy

 

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