Contributions from our Members: Thoughts on Mothering ... Every mother of more than one child has times when she feels stretched in several directions at once--trying to meet the needs of each individual child.
I have a few suggestions that might be helpful if you're not already
doing these things:
* Take a nap or a good break in the afternoon from your daughter to
get rested up. Children benefit from this,too.
* Take care of yourself--eat foods that are good for you and get regular
exercise. Drink some V-8!(big grin)
* Pace yourself during the day so you're not so exhausted at night.
Think about whether your husband would like a spotless house and a wife
who has completed 192 projects that day or a rested wife who has enough
energy to demonstrate her great love for him? (grin)
* Plan your dinner earlier in the day so it's not stressful in the evenings,
* Make sure your daughter has a regular bedtime routine, make it early
enough so you can have some time to unwind before you go to bed.
* Establish a good bedtime routine for YOU, too! Maybe a relaxing bath
and soft music. Sometimes moms have a problem making the transition from
mom to wife, especially when their child is young. Don't forget that you're
much MORE than "just a mom".(grin) You are a WOMAN and God has
given you a MAN --your own husband! Enjoy him!
* PRAY! God has created both husbands and wives with desires and needs,
ask Him to help work this out and help you meet your husband's needs and
nurture your special one flesh relationship.
This will strengthen not only you and your husband but your daughter,
too. She will reap the benefits of having parents who love each other unconditionally
and completely and are able to then, from that strong relationship, minister
to her needs, too. What a precious gift and example!
Here's one more thought that might help you:
*You have the honor of giving your husband more pleasure than anything/anyone
else in this world.*
I'm, of course, talking about *God's plans* here. HE planned it so that
a married couple could experience this pleasure and fulfillment --you can
give your husband something that no one else can give! Isn't that wonderful?
The world has been so deceived into a perverted view of intimacy, but God's
plans and purposes are so holy and beautiful and He actually wanted us
to ENJOY it, too!
In His Abiding Joy and Strength,
Posted by: Cynthia
If we take the actions....our feelings will usually come along fairly
soon. After 14 years of marriage, 3 children, a dog, 2 cats, and homeschooling....I
am also very weary at the end of the day. So, we've starting using the
"early morning" hours...it's a great way to send him off to work.
And then I don't have to feel guilty in the evening if I am too tired.
And then sometimes..I will submit simply because I want to show him I love
him, most men *really* need that affirmation in the bedroom. More than
anything else I think. And my dh is *always* less cranky if I keep his
physical needs met...which means he is alot more eager to meet my emotional
needs. I'm sure God planned it all perfectly. It just takes us a while
to figure out how this is supposed to work. Keep lovin' your man...any
way you can. He's your gift from God. Enjoy!!!
Posted by: Charity
Tamara wrote: " Establish a good bedtime routine for YOU, too!
Maybe a relaxing bath and soft music. Sometimes moms have a problem making
the transition from mom to wife, especially when their child is young."
This is excellent advice. I think it is very difficult to feel "romantic"
when you fall in bed just after checking off the last chore for the day.
Having a bit of time to do something feminine for yourself (and in the
process for your husband, as well) will make you approach your alone time
with your husband with a whole different mindset.
I love to take a nice bath before bedtime and I've elevated it to a
fine art. I put on some lovely soft music, light scented candles, pour
in about 3 million cups of bubble bath. Get myself a glass of
iced tea in a long-stemmed glass and absolutely camp out! When I get
out, I treat myself to a wonderful smelling lotion or powder (usually peach).
Do my nails. Or have a facial. Or style my hair the way he likes it. Pamper.
This really works. You'll come out of the bathroom feeling like a whole
different creature. All the work and seeming drudgery of the day will be
gone and you'll feel like a wife again.
Hey...if it worked for Esther....
Charity - Whose Husband Tells Her "You need a bath" When She's
Posted by: joni
You've gotten some great advice so far. I would definitely work on getting
more rest and cultivating those special thoughts about your hubby the way
everyone has suggested.
Here's my additional two cents.
Pray. Yes, I did say pray. Many of us have allowed things into our past
lives that intrudes and warps this intimate area of our marriage. My dh
often prays aloud that God will bless our lovemaking. HE does.
Be realistic. You don't have to see shooting stars every time you come
together!!! We try to find the time and energy to express our love the
way we both like it very often. However, there is nothing wrong with coming
to an understanding that he might have more needs than you, and that you
can gently and lovingly "submit."
Okay, so I'll be bold and just say it. Sometimes we're BOTH too tired,
but he would still like to make love. Know what I mean? For a long time,
my dh would roll over and go to sleep without saying anything because he
knew he wasn't up to a five-star performance! Now, he realizes that the
Lord has given my body to him to and he doesn't feel guilty about it! And
I don't make him feel guilty about it! I can enjoy our lovemaking in a
different way at those times. Besides, we know that next time...we might
see shooting stars!
Someone suggested the a.m.... well, all I've got to say about that is...
"rejoicing comes in the morning" (wink!)
Posted by: Julia
Thanks for starting this thread, Julie. I've benefited from all these
suggestions. Timing and fatigue have been real issues in my marriage at
different times. Here are some things that have worked for us: 1) My dh
has to go to bed very early (8:30 p.m.), because he has to be on the job
by 4:00 a.m....YUCK!! When I'm really organized, I can have all the kids
down by 9:00 p.m. Since I'm a night owl, I'm not the least bit sleepy and
believe me dh doesn't mind if I wake him !! 2) Whoever said that the
time to make love is in the evening when we want to go to sleep??!! Be
creative and experiment with different times during the day. Don't everyone
laugh at once!! We have three children and it CAN be done!! My 11 yr. old
is capable of a simple breakfast for the younger one's while mommy and
daddy "sleep-in" for a few extra minutes (don't tell dh that
I said "minutes"). My kids also love a favorite video in the
middle of the afternoon (dh is usually home by 2:00 p.m.). We love to take
showers together! 3) Set the mood throughout the day. Greet your husband
with a romantic kiss and caresss when he walks through the door. Believe
me, he'll be very attentive the rest of the evening!!! 4) Communicate
verbally your desires to one another. I don't want to be too explicit,
but you get my meaning. 5) Many times we get in a vicious cycle of not
meeting his physical needs because our emotional needs aren't being met,
AND he's not meeting our emotional needs because his physical needs aren't
being met. DON'T let that happen!! Take the higher ground that God calls
us too and meet his physical needs. Be the one to break the cycle if it
Well, I think I'll give dh a "love call" at work now! Can't
wait 'til he gets home!!! *wink*
Posted by: Julie
And to think I was afraid to start this thread!! You ladies are awesome!
Joni, about praying before (or during) lovemaking. That reminds me of a
series of sermons my pastor did last year on marriage Hebrews
13:4. It was a seven sermon series and was great. Matt and I thoroughly
enjoyed it even though we weren't married yet. We both knew we would get
married and looked forward to hearing everything all over in premarital
counseling. My pastor is a VERY reserved, symmetrical person (we love him
dearly). He was talking about when a husband and wife come together and
that when you go into the bedroom, not to leave God out when you close
the door. He said, "I'd like to suggest something...now this is gonna
blow your holy heads....but what about praying during love making"
He continued to elaborate on how to pray, what to pray for etc. It was
kind of funny when he said that because no one in the 350 person congregation
would've expected him to say that, but he is truly a wise man. He also
talked about "the little foxes that spoil the vineyard"--I think
it's from Song of Solomon--I can't remember the verse off the top of my
head. But it had great wisdom in it. That was a whole sermon in itself.
By foxes I mean---poor communication, bringing worldly language into the
bedroom, selfishness, you catch the drift. He reminded us to "not
get too familiar with each other"--in other words, not to take each
other for granted, to continuously learn about the other person, to still
leave some things up to the imagination, if that makes any sense.
It is certainly easier to communicate when you're talking face to face,
Posted by: Ellen
Sex, between, a husband and a wife, is a joy that God has blessed us
with ! Submission to your husband does not mean gritting your teeth until
it is over. It means that your husband is the head of your home, and in
a Christian home, this is a position that honors YOU too. When our children
were really little, all I wanted to 5 minutes without ANYONE touching me,
needing something from my body (Caroline was nursing and Josh needed to
be held constantly) and Jeff saw that I was starting to feel that making
love was ONE MORE demand on me. So, instead of being pushy, he began to
"woo" me all over again. I mean, he'd light candles, give me
backrub and just make me feel that I was SPECIAL to him and not just what
I could do for him. I think we learned more about intimacy during that
time than in any other time in our marriage. What could have been really
stressful became a time that we fell in love all over again.
Talk to your husband about your needs, how you are feeling physically
and be very honest about being tired. I think what you may need, too, is
to 'make a date' with him ! I know that on nights we do this, I even make
myself a cup of coffee to stay awake for our special time together. Your
husband may simply not know how you're feeling !
About submission in other areas: my mother is an absolute feminist.
She was married several times before marrying my dad (they've been married
for 26 years this month !) and feels that women lose themselves in a marriage.
I think that she views this through the eyes of someone who was involved
with unChristian, unkind and generally men who didn't honor her, God or
their relationship. She views the 'submission' idea in light of abuse and
mistreatment. But, what she fails to realize, as do many feminists, is
that submission in a Godly marriage to a Godly man is not slavehood or
servitude. It is a structure of family. My husband relies on me to run
our home smoothly, to teach our children diligently and to trust me with
our daily finances. I rely on him to support us, to be the 'rock' of the
family, to lead us in worship, to be 'the principal' of our homeschool
and to advise me on many matters. I think clearly defined roles help a
marriage so much. The marriages I have seen crumble are often ones with
an ongoing power struggle.
When we think of Christian husbands and our submission to them, we also
need to think of men DESERVING this very high honor. An abusive or negligent
husband does not honor his family, and thereore, is not falling under the
same guidelines. Just my VERY humble opinion !
Posted by: Peggy
First I want to say that I am glad that you posed this question, because
I'm sure that it is one that other women may grapple with. It shows an
honesty on your part and a willingness to rectify something that seems
to be a problem in the most important earthly relationship you have.
All of the thoughts the others have contributed are worthy of consideration.
In addition, I have some other thoughts I'd like to pose that may require
a great deal of soul searching and honesty on your part.
You said that intimacy is not new to you, that you've had other intimate
relationships, before becoming a Christian. Is it possible that when you
were so poor in spirit, you were attempting to use physical intimacy to
legitimize your own worth...attain love and acceptance where you could
not find it elsewhere? If there is any possibility that this is the case,
you may have been "using" intimacy for your own gain (albeit
a gain that is an inherent necessity in the lives of all human beings...that
of feeling some sense of worth and love).
True intimacy, as God intends it, fulfilled within the bounds of lasting
covenant and nurture is enduring...trust is developed and fear banished.
When intimacy is not within those confines, it becomes hollow and meaningless...it
proves nothing substantial and enduring.
I'm sure that now that you are in a relationship of enduring covenant
and nurture, you feel much more worth and love. But, perhaps your associated
feelings in regard to physical intimacy still rings somewhat hollow and
unsubstantial because of the emptiness in your past relationships.
You may not know the beauty behind it in the covenantal relationship,
because your other relationships did not prove the enduring beauty of it.
You no longer need to use physical intimacy to gain love and worth, because
that love and worth has been given to you freely by your husband who loves,
trusts and cherishes you in all ways.
Now you need to show *your* love...*your* trust in your husband by giving
him the intimacy that can hold promise for *both* of you by virtue of its
being a constituent of enduring covenant and nurture. Trust him, Julie...and
love him. Even if that intimacy doesn't hold the same primacy for you in
acquiring what you need and desire, it is still something very substantial
and meaning-filled in the covenantal relationship you have with your husband,
now. It is something that *he* needs and desires even if you are not aware
of its meaning for yourself right now. Believe that it can and will have
meaning and substance and you and your husband will be one in spirit and